Mr. Friendly Says So
Friday, April 28, 2006
  Dropping Arse and Taking Names
Recap of last night’s HPT game. In the words of George Carlin
I could knock a buzzard off a shat wagon.

Aint that right, letsChat.

All right, so I am a little gassy, happens to the best of us right. No need to cry like a little girl.

Really, that’s my highlight. I made the big stack leave the table for 5 minutes. He might have puked, he might not have. Poker wise, it was not a good night for me. Hands played: 10, Hands Won: 1, Buy ins dropped: 3. Nice, real nice

For a tourney recap, I remember MillionDollarMan getting mad at me for trying to move the button by him. Then he raised his voice and I raised mine. Not to worry, it got straightened out, we hugged, and shared French roast and some tears.

Cooper and Lou: They came, they played, they left before the cash game. Bye, nice to see you…

Friend of ours (well, more like friends of MarkyMark): good players but they also showed a strange reluctance for the cash-o-rama.

Do all these people know I am gassy? Am I driving folks away?

flyingDane knocked out MillionDollar and lilRicky in the tournament’s last game. What were these gentlemen holding with their all ins:
MDM: shat
LilRicky: crappola
FlyingDane: marginally better suckout garbage.

As the second tourney casualty last night, I should not speak critically of my betters.

On the other hand, fug them.

On to the cash game, here’s my recap.
Folditty, folditty, fold, fold, fold,
Go allin, get crushed, get crushed, crushed, crushed
Bleeditty, bleeditty, bleed, bleed, bleed

Or MarkyMark’s recap is more to your liking (he’s talking to theHost):

Hey you were due to lose. Thanks to the last pot I won $2.25 (vs. $46 down if I had lost) so I'm happy. letsChat wouldn't call my lousy $6 all in at the end into a $40 plus pot (after I sucked out the nut flush on the river-after my LOOOOOSE call of his $11 bet after the turn on a one card draw!). Hey, it was the last hand.

I really like how Mark both chastises letsChat then apologizes for his suckout. It’s special poker moments like these that bring me back. But that’s me. Perhaps theHost is more to your liking:

I don't mind losing. But I would like a face card every now and then.
And with another power card would be awesome!
At least I controlled my losses. $46 in the neg. Only one rebuy.

Succinct, to the point, and totally devoid of comments about anyone else.

letsChat and lilRicky kick the shat out of the table. I know the chatbox left up over a hundy. I thought I heard Rick say he was up the same.

Unreal. You glorious bahstahds.

Anyone want to guess which lucky bahstahd(s) got stuck?

Me – about $20 ($35 with tourney loss)
flyingDane – he left so early, I lost track.
MillionDollarMan –not a good cash night for him
Sarge – came and played the cash game. Or maybe the game played him.
BMW -- well, Beemer, it was bound to happen. You get the moniker of “Donator of the Week.” Wear it in health.

So that was it. Game started at 6:30, packed it in around 11:30. Beer and meatballs flowed like water. People yelled, laughed, cursed, and had a good time.

Next week: A secret meeting for seventeen at MarkyMark’s. Come along, bring a friend. We’ll set up a satellite table out in the street.

And remember, if you are going to drop an arsebomb in public, make sure you do it where you will be called out for it.
  Get down with your crazy self.
Going down to get my coffee today and Jack, my boss, stops me.


Immediately starts in on me. Fugger.

Mr. Friendly, we're gonna need to go ahead and move your blog into storage B. We have some new bloggers coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?

I have said before and I will say it again.


My Boss, John G. Gass nickname Jack, is a retard.

But I get his point.

I need to break it down, keep it real, get in touch with myself.

I need to speak some truth.

And perhaps link some porn.
  I only have one question.
Were the pictures taken before or after the congressman blew chow?

Thanks TU. I might just keep the subscription.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
  Linear Optimization
The latest from MarkyMark (former host of tonight's game):

This is who I have to this point: theHost, Mr. Friendly, lilRicky, letsChat, MillionDollarMan, flyingDane, Lou, Cooper, 3 friends of mine (friends of ours?) and me for a total of 12. TonyaHarding and one other friend of friend of mine for the 2nd game. BMW and Mrs. BMW were maybe's. Who the hell knows what we'll end up with!

Way to keep the invites straight, Mark.

Anyways, given the possible 16 way action for the tournament and cash game to follow, I came up with a little program that will help me maximize my bankroll tonight.

Input parameters: 16 players, $15 buy in, $1 bounty, at least 5 push monkeys, 10 minute blinds.
Output: I AM FUGGED.

How 'bout the cash game?
Input parameters: 16 players, $15 buy in/$15 rebuys, no bounty, at least 5 push monkeys.

So my computer says my expected winnings tonight will be in the neighborhood of -$45.
I will return tomorrow with the results of Man vs. Machine challenge.

On another note: I got the following in the email yesterday:
JonBoy: Call me, MeanJG.

You got it. I'll print up some "Have you seen this person?" posters as well.

See you all there.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
  All Star Salute to the Wally’s Newest Addition:
In honor of the Wally’s baby boy, we have several well wishes and congratulations from the regular game:
MillionDollarMan says: I can get the kid a job. If he likes construction, I will pay $3.25. Under the table, of course.
JonBoy pledges poker lessons and I quote: “I need to reach him before his father does.”
JoGirl pledges to undo any lasting harm administered by JonBoy.
flyingDane and Lou: Send their best and are wondering if the recent addition is interested in becoming the second half of the latest craze on the Spike TV channel: Ultimate Tag Team Baby Fighting!
Cooper sends her best to Mrs. Wally and baby. Tells Wally he does not need to contribute this week…this week only.
LilRicky expresses great joy, not over your child, just now there will be room for him at the game this week. Sorry Rick, we have twelve.
TonyaHarding says congratulations and sends her copy of the Infant Medical Encyclopedia.
BMW is overjoyed by the latest deduction.
Mr. Vegas says “Get back to work, losers!”
From letsChat: That’s great news! I am really happy for the whole Wally family! I remember when I was born, my mom said it was the greatest day of her life. They say infants have no birthing memory, but I can recall it like it was yesterday. You see, I was in the womb all nice and warm when…zzzzzzzzzzzzwakemewhenhesdonezzzzzzzzzzz…
MarkyMark was so excited, he invited more people to the regular game and moved it to theHost’s house.
RangerSmith was so excited he fell out of a tree.
Mr.Weatherbee wants to know if you are interested in joining his diaper buying cooperative.
theHost offers congratulations and demands your presence at next week’s game.

Me, well, well, it wouldn’t be a Wednesday without a song:

Shuffle, Shuffle, little cards,
How I wonder what you are.
Everyone has looked at theirs,
I wonder if I got pocket pairs.

When the blazing cards are gone,
Dealing nothing falls upon,
Bet the pot and show no fright,
Shuffle, Shuffle, all the night.

Then the bettor in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to play,
Aces down saved the day.

In the dark green felt you keep,
And often through my bluffs you peep,
For you never believe my lie,
So the pot reaches the sky.

Then the bettor in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
Though I know not what you are,
Shuffle, Shuffle, little cards.

Sing it to the boy, Wally.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
  Name that Habib!
Tonight we are going to play America's new favorite game...


(It sounds really cool if we all say it at once!)

Wink Martingale is our host.

Wink: Our contestants tonight hail from upstate New York. Contestant Number One is Mr. Friendly, notorious at work bully and model railroad enthusiast. Mr. Friendly, got anything to say to the audience.

Me: Let's name some Habibs.

Wink: Our second contestant was born and bred in the garment district of Kinderhook, NY. He is a web developer and misanthrope with 20 years experience. Say hello to Simon!

Simon: What's going on Wink?

Wink: You know how we play the game. I rattle off some hints about a particular H1B visa applicant/holder. Your job is to name that H1B or Habib. The first one to 200 points is our winner. So, are you guys ready to play?

Me: Let's roll Wink!

Simon: I'm ready.

Wink: Let's Name that Habib then! Our first question is a toss up: Which 19 year old drop out from the University of Mumbai claimed 20 yeas of Java experience in order to get his visa?
Buzzer sounds
Mr. Friendly Name that Habib!

Mr. Friendly: That would be Ravi
Wink: Could you be a little more specific.
Mr. Friendly: Ravendra
Wink: We need a last name.
Mr. Friendly: Ravendra Patel.
Wink: You are correct, sir. Please tell me were you guessing on the last name.
Mr. Friendly: Yeah, I figured it was a 50/50 shot.
Wink: Ok. For your follow up, can you tell me how much experience Ravi Patel claimed he had as an IBM consultant trainer.
Mr. Friendly: That would be 42 years, Wink.
Wink: You are correct sir. And you have 50 points.

Wink: Our next toss up question: Which Habib has a streak of 542 bathroom visits where he stands next to someone at the urinal, flushes the urinal before but not after using, and not washing his hands?
Buzzer sounds
Simon Name that Habib!

Simon: That would be Surresh Kanel.
Wink: Correct. For another 25 points, tell me where he met his wife?
Simon: Aw geez, that's tough.
Wink: We need an answer.
Simon: I forget if it was Punjab's Meet-A-Mate or the Happy Hindu Marriage Catalog.
Wink: You'll have to pick one.
Simon: The Happy Hindu!
Wink: That's right!
(Crowd roars)

Wink: Ok, we are tied at 50. Our next question is: This Habib holds the United States' record for shortest period of time between the granting of the visa and subsequent recision?
Buzzer sounds
Mr. Friendly Name that Habib!

Me: That would be Surresh Venkat.
Wink: Oooohhh. Not right. Simon can you give us an answer?
Simon: Surresh Venkatraman.
Wink: That is correct! For your follow up, can you tell us why Surresh's stay in the states was so short.
Simon: I believe he spoke two words of English.
Wink: Correct! Bonus points if you know what they are.
Simon: uuuuhhhhhm "No" and "doubt."

Wink: (pauses) That's correct! Simon now leads 150 to 50.
Our next toss up question concerns hygiene. Can either of you tell me the legal name of Habib Srihari Chenainnahchklzvbrittfpl?

Buzzer sounds
Mr. Friendly Name that Habib!
Me: That would be Srihari Smith.
Wink: That is correct! Can you tell me his nickname?
Me: That would Alphabet Soup.
Wink: That is incorrect! Simon do you know.
Simon: The answer is Consonant Soup. That boy was afraid of vowels.

Wink: Ok, we got a real contest tonight. The score is 175 to 75 in favor of Simon and our next toss up question: Which Habib thinks Right Guard deodorant is a cologne?

Buzzer sounds
Mr. Friendly Name that Habib!
Me: That would be Anjana Reddy.
Wink: That is correct! Can you tell me the shortest distance that one would need to be from Anjana in order to avoid teary eyes and burned sinuses?
Me: uuuuhhhh. Twenty five feet.
Wink: I am so sorry. Simon do you know?
Simon: That would be 45 feet Wink.

Wink: We have a new winner!
Crowd cheers
Wink: Simon, for winning tonight on Name that Habib!, you and a special someone get an all expense paid trib to Calcutta, new home of the black death. You and your guest will stay at the Calcutta Radisson where your host. Join us next week on Name that Habib! Good night everybody!
Monday, April 24, 2006
  Big Weekend Doings!
I don't usually remember my dreams. Not even sure I have them regularly. Friday night, Saturday morning though, I had a weird one.

Wasn't even a sex dream...Jeebus.

Seems I am driving my car down a residential street near my parents house in Cohoes. I look down to read the paper, find a cigar, something, and when I look up, I am about to rear end someone.

With cat like reflexes, I manage to only clip the car. But like those executive office toys, that car manages to hit the car ahead of it, that one strikes a third, the third rolls into a fourth.

Even in my dreams, I swear...SUNAVFUGGINBIATCH.

Now things get weird. The third and fourth cars are driven by geezers. You don't need to be psychologist on that one. I fear/dread octogenarians on the road. The third car is some cute coed. Again, no explanation needed...if you're going to get into an accident, hopefully you hit, and not hurt, a cute girl. Here's the kicker. In the first car is Larry Linville. That's right. I rear ended Maj. Burns.

What the Fug?! Freud would have a field day.

So anyways, no one is hurt and it's one of those dreams where I am stuck in my most feared situation...talking to geezers.
Me: I am sorry I hit you. Here is my insurance information. May I have yours?
Geezer: You bahstahd. You gave me heart attack. They should lock you up and throw away the key. Don't you know that honest people are trying to run errands. Maniacs like you should not be driving, you should have to walk. No bus for you. I remember back in aught 8, my father was the stagecoach driver on the Yuma Dodge City line, I rode shotgun, yeah I was eighteen. Well, anyways, he ran into someone else's horse and the townspeople lynched him. And they were right to do so...(you get the idea).

Then, both shuffle away without giving me there insurance information.
Well, at least the girl was cute.
And Major Burns was the voice of reason. He kept the geezers from caning me to death.
Go figure.
When I wake up, I was so relieved that I did not really bump into geezers, that I smiled broadly and went back to sleep.
Ok, last night while I waited for the rice to cook, I locked horns with 8 other morons at PokerStars. Jagasserry fires up before the cards fly.
Jagass: albhammer, you have a good g y.
Me: ty?
Jagass: LOL, just checking out your previous play.
Me: Fantastic. GL.
Jagass: You too. UR going 2 need it.

Jagass flamed out in 8th place.

Jagass2 play of the night. Warning: I am not the Jagass in this situation.
Preflop, I am in the BB with 3 limpers. Holding 76o. Flop is 76x. I bet the pot, two folds, then the raise.
Merci beaucoup. How do you like my all in?
He likes it enough to call. Sorry sir, your kings will not stand.

Let this be a lesson to you. RAISE YOUR FUGGIN KINGS!

Anyhow, for those of you who care, the result:
PokerStars Tournament #23610892, No Limit Hold'em
Buy-In: $10.00/$1.00
9 players
Total Prize Pool: $90.00
Tournament started - 2006/04/23 - 22:38:59 (ET)

Dear albHammer,

You finished the tournament in 1st place.
A $45.00 award has been credited to your Real Money account.

Thank you for participating.

Kind of cool, PokerStars welcomes me back with 403 pocket pairs and 8 goofs who will call me down everytime.
Mrs. Friendly and I are watching Dawson's Creek last night. Yeah, we're cool because we have a DVR. Anyways, they show that chick whose looks are way overrated. She is in her college dormroom talking with her roommate. Durn if I knew what they were talking about, but I say to Mrs. Friendly "That's some room they got there. Doesn't look anything like the dorms I have ever seen." She says: "Yeah, they didn't film it in Plassman Hall."

That's when I kick in with my favorite college conversation:
KrazyKoed1: "What's that smell?"
KrazyKoed2: "That's fecal matter."
KrazyKoed1: "No, not that."
KrazyKoed2: "Oh, that's urine."
KrazyKoed1: "Nah, not that one either."
KrazyKoed2: "You must mean the vomit."
KrazyKoed1: "Nope."
KrazyKoed2: "Does the spooge offend?"
KrazyKoed1: "I don't think so."
KrazyKoed2: "Mold and mildew?"
KrazyKoed1: "Yeah, that's it."

On and on it goes...

On a serious note, the Mrs. and I would like you to pray for the family and friends of Marlene Hill, owner of perenial Entertainment Book restaurant favorite, Luigi's in Schenectady. She was murdered late last week and her grandson has been arrested as the alleged perpetrator.

Sorry to end on a downer. Maybe something retarded will happen later today and I can fill you all in on it.
Friday, April 21, 2006
  So now I got to lawyer up...
Got this in the mail today.
Thanks everyone.

Nerdlinger, Digithead and Sham, P.C.,LLC.
121 State St.
Albany, NY 12207

Dear Mr. Friendly,
Pursuant to our client’s recently filed suit, IBIPPN v. BloggerNerds, with a number of internet poker bloggers, we request that you refrain from linking to any and all sites that hitherto related internet poker playing exploits but now detail:
· Internet, rock star type appeal
· Marital discord
· Psoriasis
· Charity appeals
· Job Searches
· Marital discord
· Depression
· Scams
Despite not being named in said suit, our investigations have led to the conclusion that your site infringes on the copyright of Internet Poker Blog. With respect to cited copyright and trademark, our clients request that you dedicate at least 17.4567 percent (.174567 portion of total blog) of the blog Mr. Friendly Says So ( to the following topics:
· Bad beats
· Hand analysis
· Donkeys
· Internal thought processes while making bad beats, hand analysis, and donkey plays.
· Humor
· Witty internet poker room banter, complete with misspelled invective and expletives

Failure to comply will result in either or all of the actions: inclusion in the above cited suit, revocation of you internet poker blogging copyright use, several hundred comments and emails extolling the virtues of a “link up.”
Our client, The International Brotherhood of Internet Poker Playing Nerds, ask that you maintain your standards and enjoy the benefits of a deep and satisfying relationship with said client. Any and all attempts to disregard, or "failures to comply" (FTC) with said agreement with our client will be met with the severest action allowed by the law.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.


Stanlislaw Digithead, Esq.
Partner, Nerdlinger, Digithead and Sham, P.C.,LLC.
518-234-5678 (cell)
518-555-9876 (home)
402-123-4569 (weekend home)

Now I got the marketers AND the lawyers after me.

The Internet Sucks.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
  With my apologies to Joe Cocker
What would you do if I raised half the pot
Would you stand up and push all in on me?
Lend me a buck and I'll tell you how to play
And I'll try not to act like a f'en donkey.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my luck is away
(Does it worry you to be card dead?)
How do I feel by the end of the play,
(Are you sad because you were never ahead?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need any money
I need some chips to shove
Could it be any money
I want some chips to shove

Would you believe in love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain 8 3 off will win this time
What do you see when you turn out the light
The flop hits I know the pot is mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need any money
I need some chips to shove
Could it be any money
I want some chips to shove

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends

Last night, theHost was gracious enough to run a turbo tourney plus cash game in his garage. The Line Up:
Let's Chat
Mr. Vegas
--cash game add
MillionDollarMan's brother, let's call him Sarge
Cooper, hope you're feeling better.

I did pretty well. Must have been the cards. I finished 2nd in the tourney by:
Betting out preflop with AK suited. I get raised by BMW. I call and we see the flop of AKcrap. BMW checks and I wave my hand at his chips and say:
"Everything you got there." (I guess you have to see it, seemed kind of spazzy to me). BMW calls and his middle pair goes down in flames.


The game gets kind of short handed. I think it was me, Dane, MillionDollar, Cooper, and letsChat left. Dane raises preflop and it folds to me. I look down at my AA baby and I pop him hard. He calls and we go to the flop. It is trash. I push and the Dane can't get the chips in quick enough. Oh, shat! Wait, he only hit top pair. I duh-duh-duh-double up. Woo Hoo.

I ask the Dane later what the hell he thought I had. He told me he thought I was overplaying theHammer. Nope, not this time...the next time. Same scenario. Dane and me in to see the flop after preflop raising. Ace high flop. I bet out and Dane says something like "You think you have me on the run." just before he mucked it. Sorry Dane, I had to show. He did, in fact, see the humor.

And about half an hour later, it was heads up between the Dane and me again. I am card dead and chipping down. With 5000 in chips and blinds at 1600/3200, I go all in blind. 74 off is your hand sir, second place is your prize.

Congratulations Dane, you bald headed bahstahd.

Congratulations to Cooper for pushing me off a top pair hand. Even sick as a dog, she laid a beaten on me.

Non-pokery highlights
1.) Weather was beautiful
2.) Meatballs were hot.
3.) Beer Cold.
4.) Cigars tasty.
5.) Sarge's DI school stories. Get him to share one sometime. Hysterical.
6.) MillionDollar sharing some of his good fortune with the little people. Thanks for the cookies, man!
7.) Calling flyingDane Big Fella. I don't know, you had to be there.

Cash game was a little less eventful than last week since we would only play a couple of hours. Smaller chance for huge-o rebuys. Although Wally did effort.

Best hands of the night, the only ones I remember...
1.) I limp with 8s. Mr. Vegas or Wally puts in about 10x the big blind. The other calls and I call cause, well, you'll see. Flop is 8c some other club and a piece of crap(K). Again with the betting, five from Mr. Vegas, WallyCall (blanche!), and I rrrraise it up to about $12. Vegas drops quick. Then we get WallyBall theater! He not only goes into the tank, but he has to give you a show while he does it. "Oh my god! How can you bet that much! Don't you know this is a friendly game! Why are you scaring us off., etc. etc...."

He finally folds and asks to see the rabbits after I show him trips. Boy, he was bent for a moment when the K showed on the river!

Until he realized that gave me a boat.

2.) Do you guys really like hand histories? Ok, BMW raises early and I pop him back with AQo. He pushes and here is my thinking:
"This bastahd is trying to buy this hand. Fug that mister! My cards rule!"

Let that be a lesson to you kids, K2s (37%) does beat AQo (62%). Sonovabiatch BMW!
As I counted out the chips to pay him off, I told him he had throw me a "Give it to me!" to get paid off. He obliged. I feel we are now even.

Biggest Stacks at the game.
1.) theHost
2.) Me
3.) MarkyMark (he also pushed me off top pair with his top pair plus real shatty kicker) sonuvabiatchin MarkyMark!

All in all, a great night except Cooper had to split early.

Until next week kids. And yes, I do take requests, just remember to hit the tip jar.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
  Things to do in Cohoes
1.) Get a donut. Nah, that's out.
2.) Buy flowers.
3.) Get a Shack Special. Then check out that new fire truck.
4.) Visit my old high school. WTF? It's gone?!
5.) Stop by the mills.
6.) Bring the Mrs. shopping. What do you mean they moved?
7.) Build a moat around my parents house. Oh yeah, spray the roof with water daily.
8.) On eighth thought, maybe I'll just sit here and wish I was born in Troy.
  Laundry list
For the locals, you must check out AlbanyEye. Although it reeks of NPR-Communist-Democratic-IHateTheNYPost-SteveMoness, this guy/gal is a must read for the two of you from the area. It is proof, proof I say, that someone in the media has a sense of humor.

Did you know that Cohoes is burning to the ground? I will be right over to scatter salt on the ashes.

Game at theHost's tonight. I have no idea who will be there. Consider it an adventure and show the fug up. Yes MillionDollar, I am talking to you.

Um, what else, the Mrs. is still pregnant. C'mon, Reggie we need you boy!

When I put something worthwhile on the stock blog, I'll let you know. For the time being, keep Billy Fucillo in mind and make your assets HUGE!

I really want to rip some people a new one, but I just can't find the time. But for the three of you who know me personally can attest, I cannot keep my mouth shut for very long. Fugging fireworks to ensue. I just need a plan.

Personal note to flyingDane: Remember the cigars!

Personal note to my Employer: Thank you notes are great, but all things considered, I would rather be paid.

What else? Ok. Mrs. Wally is still preggers. Sounds familiar. Good Luck Wallys!

A dollar to the first person who can explain this reference. Hooty Panders.

Someone did google "soft core" and wound up here. His visit lasted less than 5 seconds. Sorry I couldn't fufill your prurient desires.

To our overseas visitors, Welcome UK and Denmark! Great to have you.

Best keyword search of the week: "Mr. Friendly Ricky." I knew it was a classic.

Now, get back to work.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
  Back by popular demand
Restaurant Reviews...

Alright, Mrs. and I have recently have travelled to:
Plum Blossom (Troy)
Mexican Connection (Saratoga)
Firkin and Fox (Colonie)

Last Friday, we dumped Junior at the Grandparents (thanks, folks!) and made our way up Hoosick St. to visit our friends at the Plum Blossom. While there, we were re-re-re-re-intoroduced to the Troy Hard Ons. You don't know the Troy Hard Ons? They are the kind folks who live by the following rules:
1.) Baseball caps were meant to be worn sideways.
2.) Merge left means start from the far right lane and end at the extreme left lane irrespective of how many lanes there are in between. In tonight's case, there were three middle lanes.
3.) Display your savvy restaurant know how. Upon entering the eatery, don't wait for the host or the people ahead of you, just sit yourself down and demand service.

Helpful Tips for Trojan Hardoness:
1.) Weigh about 3 times AMA recommended weight for your age/height.
2.) Wear a baseball cap and never, ever take it off.
3.) Dye what remains of your hair orange.
4.) It also helps tremendously if you criticize other drivers, diners, restaurant staff, and other people within earshot audibly...and with lots of perjorative terms (arsehole seems to be a favorite)

Despite the inconveniences of writing notes on my former neighbors (one year sentence in Troy), the Mrs. and I had a nice meal. I recommend any Lo Mein, Kung Pao Chicken, Sesame Chicken, General Tso Chicken (hey, I like chicken), and Shrimp with Lobster Sauce (sigh, that is from the Mrs.)

Be prepared to wait though. For a Chinese restaurant, these guys are not too concerned about throwing your arse back out on the street. So just sit back and relax, you hard on, and wait for the food to arrive.

A couple of weeks ago, Mrs. conned her parents into watching Junior. We had our Entertainment Book in hand and made a dash to the Mexican Connection in Saratoga. This place is a favorite for their very, very, special guacomole. I don't care how you feel about avocados, you have to try the stuff out. So have yourself a Tecate, get some chips and check out the menu. Hopefully, but unlikely, you will not be seated next to some retard.

You see, popular conceptions aside, Saratoga is chuck full of idiots, retards, and plain ol' jackasses. You know what they say when you go up there during track season: "Oh, I can't wait for track season to be over. Then this will turn back into a sleepy little college town." Let me tell you something. I wish track season was 13 months long. Then I wouldn't be subjected to:
1.) Lesbian/Homo Narcissus-a-thon
2.) Spendaholic families with uncontrollably spasmodic kids.
3.) SteveMos

Let me tell you about number one. You may not know this group by this name, but I know you have bumped into them during one of their conversations. Humming a few bars:

L: Thank you for coming tonight Chad.
Random Homosexual named Chad: That's ok L. Thank you for asking me. I have been sooooo busy lately that I haven't made had anytime for myself or my friends. LOL! Oh, so anyways, my work sucks as usual. I think my boss is a homophobe. She told me to stop gabbing and do some work yesterday. So I called in a complaint to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commisssion. I told them she made a pass at me. That'll fix the biatch. So anyways, work sucks and I spoke to my mother yesterday...ooooohhhhh poor me! She told me I should just find a nice girl and settle down. she still hasn't figured out that i am a "friend of dorothy." poorwoman. shenevergetsits. wellatleastsheisbetterthanmyfather. hehasbeencallingmesissyfor25years...
ten minutes later

Chad takes a breath.

So, anyways, Mrs and I did not let this bother us. Well, me, I had another beer.

To families that think bringing your little barbarians is cool because the whole world thinks they are OH SO CUTE:

Look people, I bring Jr. to restaurants. I have also escorted out to the car when she could not control herself. Sometimes, if we know she is tired/cranky/bratty, we don't bring her at all! Whoda thunk it?! I humbly suggest you do the same.
Let me illustrate a few how-tos:
1.) If your kid speaks above a conversational tone, you don't want to wait for someone at the next table to threaten his life. Step up and threaten your kid's life yourself.
2.) When your kid goes under the table to play for the fifth time, don't wait for the waitress to tell you that "Darling" is creating a disturbance. Tell Darling to get in his seat before you are forced to leave the restaurant, go home, throw his nintendo/tv/stereo/gameboy/computer/ipod under your car, drive over said item 10 times, come back to restaurant, finish your meal in peace.
3.) If the kid doesn't act up for 20 consecutive seconds, throw her a compliment. Thank you honey. You are such a lovely lady.

If you can dodge the self-lovefest and "lord of the flies" family, you are doing all right. However, I have never had one fugging meal within 10 miles of Saratoga without bumping into the dreaded SteveMo. Don't know what a SteveMo is? Here are some tips:
1.) He has a beard.
2.) Lives in the country but he is oh so suave and sophisticated. Yeah, I don't know how the beard fits in with all that either.
3.) His opinion of himself is Expert=everything. His opinion of you is Moron=Everything. His opinion of your relationship: He=Teacher, You=Student
4.) Thinks that Margaritas and Chimichangas are authentic Mexican cuisine. I am no anthropologist, but I am betting that both items WERE NOT created by Mexicans but rather, by American tourists in Tijuana.
5.) Does not realize that his long list of likes/dislikes, things he has an opinion on, things he knows everything about, things he likes to pontificate on, makes him an insufferable JAGASS.
6.) The cherry on top is the long suffering wife who, at least, pretends to think the sun and moon revolve around the Stevemo.

With all that said, if you are down with AUTHENTIC guacamole, chimichangas, and enchiladas, then this is the place for you. Get this, they did not mark our card sooooo, we can go back and get the discount again. I love, love, love the fine folks at the Mexican Connection. Tip them well.

Finally, we went to Firkin and Fox with the Entertainment Book. My opinion of the place while eating: THIS PLACE IS GREAT!

My opinion two days later: See Vomitosis post from a couple weeks ago.

So anyways, your humble correspondant leaves it to you to form your own freaking opinion. I hope this little guide helps. Remember, avoid at all costs:
1.) Troy Hard Ons
2.) The Barbarian Family
3.) People who can't stop talking about themselves.
4.) SteveMos.
Once you have that managed, you just might reach your "inner peace" personal goal.

Until next time.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
  NOT another story about me losing 3,000 buy ins
Played at Wally's last night:
The lineup: Mrs. Wally, WallyBall, HisCoworker, LetsChat, theHost, Mr.Vegas, me. Cooper was supposed to be there, but she did not show. I hope you're not lying in a ditch some where Cooper! Yeah, that would be a shame.

Anyways, half an hour into the game, Mrs.Wally is up a buyin, Mr.Vegas is up in a big way, and I am folding, theCoworker is donating and not much else is going on. Oh yeah, theHost is complaining about his cards. Well, that's almost normal. Totally normal would be where I am biatching about my cards too. I guess I have matured.

Things were going along typically. You know, limp, limp, big raise, fold, fold, fold, get the picture. That's when I noticed that theHost was in for a rebuy. During the course of the night there another rebuy, many more complaints about his hole cards, and a stewfest for a good, solid half hour before the horseshoe landed up his arse. This fuggin guy went from 3 buyins down to about 7 buyins in front of him. A run of cards, you say? I say it was a fuggin stampede.

That money had to come from somewhere and all I have to say is IT WAS NOT FROM ME!

Except one hand.

I pumped up the preflop action to about 5X the BB. theHost calls. (FUGGIN FUGFACE!)
I hit both my A and my Q on the flop and bet out again. Host calls (SHAT!). A blank and a K later, I HOPE I am good. Not betting huge, I think I am just milking theHost at this point. But, lo and behold, after we flip, I spot his 3,247th straight in a row.

Nice, very nice.

LetsChat had a good run last night. Too much pink lemonade may have torpedoed him though. At one point, the table was listing in his direction due to excess chip weight. By the end, even this lowly writer managed to outchip him. Still, it was a princely sum and well done.

Mrs. Wally had to split a little early. She was game and gave us plenty of chances to get our money back. But, you know, she's preggers and baby needs rest. "So", to put it in her sweet words,"you degenerates can kiss my arse and get out of my house!"

Um, thank you Mrs. Wally.

Please don't ever be mad at me.

Who's left, oh right the um, losers.
The not so lucky?
The perseverent in the face of adversity?
Those who carry on God's work?
The "Its Only Money" Crowd?

Whatever. I don't want to embarass anyone so I will do this quickly, the following did very badly last night wallymrvegasthecoworker.

Final Highlights: It was nice, quiet game last night. We had a drink for MarkyMark, Cooper, and MillionDollarMan; wondered where the heck flyingDane and BMW were; speculated on golf games; generally ridiculed those absent; went on tilt; got stuck; got unstuck. You know, the usual horseshat.

Wish you were there. Next time, make it so.

I am definitely thinking about some restaurant reviews. Come back later.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
  Pssssst, let me tell you a secret.
As an illegal alien,YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!!
  Kibbles and Bits and Bits and, aaaahhhh, you get it
ATTENTION: All ye who wish to suckout Wally and Mrs. Wally, here is your big chance!

DIRECTIONS: North on I87 and take a left at the third horse farm. Go straight for 3.75 miles then veer off 37 degrees to the port at the fourth apple orchard. Continue for .2343 miles and take a left at the First Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ Most Holy Redeemer Church. Meander to the fourth cow pasture (that’s about pi miles) and you are right there.

If you can’t find it, blame Wally. Those are the directions he gave me. The complex mile distances? I don’t know, I guess he thinks he’s smart or sumpin.

Missing from tonight’s lineup: the fuggin IRON MAN of POKER!

C’mon MarkyMark. I could bill 60 hours and still manage to blog 5,567 words every week and still make it to the game. The only thing that keeps me away is the Dreaded Girls Night Out. That’s why they call me the IRON MAN of IT CONTRACTUAL SERVICES!

Not really, I just like to milk a cow ‘til it’s dry.

MORE NEWS: MillionDollarMan is on the Injured Reserved List. Seems the big man ate some bad beef. It inflamed his tender appendix and he needed to be gutted like a fish. It is OK, the docs threw in a free colectomy. Thanks fellas. Seriously, drop Million a note at IamARichFugger at and he’ll ping you back with post operative pictures. Send him a donation and he’ll send back the operative pictures.

REPLY TO BOTH MY READERS RAISING CONCERNS: If I can’t get up from bed at 2:30 in the morning and watch HBO soft core porn, I may as well move to Communist China right now.
It would be nice if my other two readers would chime in. Please send comments and donations to MrFriendlyLovesSoftCorePornAndHatesCommunism at

OK, what else? I have a new link to a fabulous site. Slowly look to the right and click “My Stock Blog.” I promise all the answers to all your questions.

Anything else? Oh yeah, anybody speak Cantonese? Got a nice little job for you in Szechuan province, if you are game. I promise my cut is only 45%.

Did I leave anything out? Right. I have received numerous (2) queries about my recent bout with the plague. Rest assured that the prospect of a dollar free weekday prohibited work absence. I MUST BILL!

Got it. Good.
Unfinished business? Yup, Junior is well. Mrs. Friendly is still pregnant. Yup, he is due when the Mrs. feels like it. Late June/Early July.

One more thing. When did it become ok to apologize for an absence on this here internet thingy? I miss a day (or two or three), no biggy, both of you know I will be back with more Canadian culotte/Mad OBGYN circumcision stories. Other bloggers split and readers practically fall over themselves to tell him “PLEASE NO!”

That’s right I’m jealous. Don’t forget it.

Speaking of lapsed memory. Don’t forget the tip jar. Just click “Comments.”
Tuesday, April 11, 2006

There was a point in my life when rancid beef would not affect me. Those days, I am afraid, are in the past. This makes me sad because now my 12 year streak of "not puking" may be on the line and also, in terms of meat consumption, I am a mere mortal.

I went to work yesterday without a care in the world. Well, okay, I had one care. A habib scheduled me for a lunch meeting. Fuggin' habibs! I don't want to meet at 12:00. I want to take a walk. I know your arse is nailed to the chair but that doesn't mean you have claims on my "Me" time.

But I digress. Anyways, she rescheduled the meeting for lunch time later in the week. You might be wondering "Mr. Friendly, how many times has the habib gal rescheduled that particular meeting?" The answer to the question is six. Of course, she only began scheduling it last Friday afternoon, so, I am expecting another four or five reschedules before I go to UN meeting...

What the heck were we talking about?

Oh yeah, so anyways, around lunchtime I go for my walk. As I tool around the river, hey man, that's how the cool kids roll, I can feel, in the pit of my stomach, that feeling. The one where you know there is something in there AND IT MUST COME OUT!

Can I evacuate? Not yet.
Can I puke? Not happening.

I am sure I am not the only who thought of this but I would like to hear any comments. Suppose you know you are going to blow chunks however, you are in a public place. What do you do?
1.) Find a garbage can and unload.
2.) Run to a restroom and unload.
3.) Unload and store in your mouth.
4.) Unload unabashedly.

So, anyways, I feel like garbage all afternoon. I make it home and wifey sends me upstairs without dinner. Thank you honey! Couple hours later, I get up. I suffer from chills, nausea, achiness (??). You know, like theHost after a Heineken. Junior is kind to me and we watch cartoons. At 9:30, I am out. From noon until bedtime, I did not:
1.) Eat
2.) Puke
3.) Poop
4.) Smile

Comes 2:15 this AM, revellie. I don't know why I woke up but I did. Usually, if I wake up after about 5-6 hours of sleep, I will not return to happy dreamland. So I hunker down with my best friend...TV. After an hour or so of "Emmanuelle in Space" (check it out not quite as good as Emmanuelle in Hong Kong but light years ahead of Emmanuelle in Rio), I feel like I could use a little more sleep. First, though, I need some food. Go figure.

A peanut butter sandwich and iced tea later, I am laying in bed contemplating my condition. Feel like crap yes, but no pukey. Ah, my twelve year streak continues.

Is this how Joe DiMaggio felt?
Friday, April 07, 2006
  By Request
Thanks to the sick bastahds looking for information on Hummers and circumcision, my hit rate has hit the hundreds. Thank you ...I am not giving out Hummers...

or hummers...

and certainly not hummers in Hummers.

Quick recap of Wednesday night game at theHost's
BMW: $20 into J8x flop
ME: All in! (aout $5 more)
BMW Call (he holds a J and an 8)

I am a poker genius.

Oh well, at least I have my health.

Speaking of geniuses, anyone check out the poker champ links from a few days back.
OMG LOL!!! It was a conspiracy!
Who woulda thunk it!
A four year old.
Yep. That's right. My Junior chimed in a few weeks back. After, I read the Poker Champ posts, she said:
"Daddy, someone is yanking your chain."

Smart girl. Just like her...

For fear of a frying pan to the head, I will not say it.

But you know.

Anybody know where Tamil Nadu India is? Ah, what do I care? It is another hit on the blog. Welcome Tamil Nadu! Great to have you.

Thinking of starting a stock blog. That way, I can make fun of the flyingDane in front of the entire Internet.

I want to thank everyone for the fantastic response to Mrs. Friendly's story. She might be back.

If she ever stops yelling at me.

Here are my plans for the weekend:
1.) Fish Fry
2.) Beer
3.) Junior Dance Class
4.) Junior Skating Class
5.) Beg Mrs. Friendly to let me watch The Sopranos.

Sounds like big doings.

With material like this, it is no surpise that this is the 1,073,456th most popular stop on the Information Superhighway.

Turn the lights out, everyone is gone.

You still here?
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subbing for Mr. Friendly today, Mrs. Friendly.

Thank you. Today’s story concerns the ongoing search for a suitable education experience for our daughter Junior. Hubby and I, well mostly me, are searching for that school which, most importantly, will develop Junior’s social skills. Not that she is socially um, retarded. It is just that Friendly and I are the products of the crushing repression of the Catlick school experience and we would rather not have someone tell our little angel the following:
no prayers at night = Hell
miss Mass = Hell
swear = Hell
sex before marriage = Hell
think about Sex = Hell
meat on Friday = Hell

You get the idea. Additionally, we think it would be nice if Junior could avoid the dangers at the local public schools.

Junior is in two PreK programs now. Although both are run by churches, Presbyterian and Catlick, they downplay the more dogmatic Jesus stuff. Both schools fancy themselves as selective because, well, they are. The students’ families generally have money, both old and new. They too, are looking to keep their greatest achievements out of trouble.

The other day, the Presby school had a field trip to the Junior Museum. The museum is just that, a mini museum for mini people. They have small reptile shows, a planetarium, and some fun sciency stuff. You know, good wholesome 4 year old entertainment.

The last time this school had a field trip, I was doomed to ride with THE MOST NEGATIVE WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH. A brief synopsis of our ride to the pumpkin patch:
MOST NEGATIVE WOMAN: I don’t know why the teacher’s couldn’t hire a bus. I don’t know why I have to take time off from work. My husband is a bum. My car sucks. My older kids need special education programs (mostly for severe emotional disabilities due to me I am sure). This here daughter is not smart enough, and on and on.
ME: I say nothing. Too busy staring at her in horror.

Given this experience, there was no way I was chaperoning the museum visit without my car. I figured if I didn’t sign up to be a driver, I could show up at school and take Junior to the museum alone. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. It did not work out as I had hoped.

Before the big trip, I get a call from, fake name time, Ezekiel’s mom. Sarah has become a friend of mine and Ezekiel and Junior mostly play nice. She wants to know how I plan to get to the museum. I tell her my ingenious plan. A light bulb goes off over her head and she asks she if Zeke and she may tag along. I reluctantly say ok. As soon as I can get to my phone, I tell Friendly that these other moms are ruining my life.

Anyhoo the big day arrives. Out in the school parking lot, Sarah puts Zeke’s car seat into my car, hands him a cup of snacks (junk) and we are off. The only problem en route occurs when Sarah attempts to pass a CapriSun juice back to Zeke. I am a reasonable woman but I must draw the line somewhere. I don’t even trust Junior with those sticky, smelly vats of liquid sugar. Forget hospitality, there is no way Zeke was opening a bag of juice in my car. Sarah gives me the squirrel eye, but accedes to my wishes.

We get to the museum and, long story short, everything goes off without a hitch. Kids have fun, see animals, rocks, planets, etc. They have a snack and off we go, back to school for disembarkment.

In the school parking lot, Sarah removes Zeke and the car seat. As she removes the seat and pauses for what looks like deep meditation. This seems odd to me, so I approach her to see what’s going on. She says:
“You have a problem.”
“What’s wrong?”
“What?” I say.
“There are ants in your car.”

Pause for the following thought process.
Ants. In my car. Wrongo!

What I said was “I think you might want to clean out Zeke’s car seat.”

Perfectly pitched without an air of judgement.

Didn’t matter. She still thinks we sleep with pigs.

Which brings us to the point of the story. How does a mommy protect her children from the stupid, the oblivious, and the just plain careless?

I can’t. But I can mitigate a bit. That’s why I wanted to drive alone.

I tell Friendly as soon as possible. For once, he is on my side. He does not defend the offender. He has two responses:
1.) Ugh! What animals!
2.) I’ll clean it out when I get home.

No need honey. What with technology today, I just got out the packing tape and picked up the stragglers.

I hope.

No telling yet if the queen is still in my car protecting her younguns…
And hatching more.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
  Even a blind chicken gets a piece of corn now and then...
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I give you the man pretending to be PokerChamp.

Or PokerChamp.

Or Maybe...PokerChamp.

Then check out my post on March 16, 2006.

I am laughing my arse off Nardis, Al, Duggle, and anyone else who claims responsibility. Good job!

And to the doubters, how do you like those apples?

Play like a fuggin Champion today.
  The second funniest guy at the HPT
Come and listen to a story about a man named Wally.
Poor engineer, family lived in utter squally.
Then one day while shopping for a Hummer,
He found a deck of cards and stayed indoors all summer.

Played Hold’Em I said. Check raisin’, Dropping hammers.

Well, next thing you know Ol’ Wally got some bread.
Playing poker with the fish wasn’t good for his head.
Said to himself “Wally, move from Schenectiddy.”
So he loaded up the hummer and moved to Sin City.

Vegas that is. Fishy calls, touristy play.

Well now its time for Wally to say good bye to his money.
And he would like to thank you folks fer kindly dropping by.
You’re all invited back again to this locality.
Where Wally’s a pornslapper in this vicinity.

Corner of Vegas and Tropicana. Grab a copy. Take your pants off.

Y’all come back now, y’hear.
Monday, April 03, 2006
  More Brainless Bathroom Banter
So I am minding my own business, as per usual.

Another dude moseys up to a free urinal. Thankfully, he keeps his distance.

He wants to strike up a conversation though. Geezus, I told you guys.


Anyways, he says "I heard you left Brand X." Brand X is another IT body shop that I do not work for. I never have. I respond "Really."

"Yeah, it said in the company newsletter, you left."
"Sonofa..., really it did."
"Yeah, Mr. Happy will now be working at such and such."
"I'm not Mr. Happy, I'm Mr. Friendly. I can understand why you got confused."

He's embarrased, as well he should be.

Next time you strike up a conversation in the head. Make sure your shat is together.
Voted Best Blog 2006 by the city of Cohoes, NY. Mr. Friendly humbly accepts this honor as he attempts to stamp out retardation in our lifetime.

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