Mr. Friendly Says So
I am certain that your certainty is uncertain.
Not that I enjoy standing with the bible bangers (Katlicks included), but the atheists really, really, really piss me off. Want to know why? Sure you do.
1.) Non believers, from here on out let's call them the Unclean, say that God's existence can't be proven. I stipulate. That is what faith is about. I believe despite the lack of evidence. However, can the unclean prove he does not exist? Really. Are you willing to stipulate that your lack of faith is based on faith.
2.) Ipso facto, non believers have their own religion. The religion of scoffing, of nothing, of narcissism, of the iconoclast. It is fair to say they believe in nothing, not even their own existence. Fallacious thinking on their part. I don't know about you, but I think it might be wise to be skeptical of the unclean.
If you throw in with them and they are wrong, YOU ARE SCREWED. However, we all have doubts on God's existence, but we go ahead proclaim our faith. Why? Cause, like my father's friend Shakes Robinson said when asked why he carried a piece "Better to be caught with it than to be caught without it."
3.) If you believe, as I do, that people are selfish, thoughtless, hostile, socially, emotionally, mentally retarded than you got to believe in miracles. Because for all our faults, and they are multudinous, we have yet to destroy ourselves. Additionally, we got truly sainted individuals coming down the pipe every now and then (e.g. MLK, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Princess Di, etc.). I, on an article of faith, attribute these outcome to a spark of divinity in all our souls by some one much smarter than us who loves us very much.
4.) I think the point of Harris' End of Faith is that Reason demands the end of Religion because the latter is the cause of much conflict in the world. Now that Man has weapons of mass destruction, these conflicts could lead to the END OF THE WORLD. Hell, I don't know but isn't the very existence of the US, Britain, Canada, Australia, and the rest of the West is an argument that those prejudices that kept men apart are slowly melting away?
5.) Last, and most compelling, I listen to the atheists among us. They are among some of the most angry, twisted, retarded among us (I could link 'em up, but it wouldn't be Christian). Measured against Jesus, it kind of makes it easy to choose your side. It is like Mom said "You are the company you keep."
On the other hand, I could be wrong. But what will that cost you?
I promise more Stupid Medical Stories as soon as I figure out the point.
One more parking lot.
Well, the wait is over. Cohoes had another fire on Wednesday
Who would have thunk it?
Cohoes Fire Captain Michael Spizowski?
Police Chief William Heslin?
Mayor John McDonald?
Try some of the tenants in the burned out buildings. They think the landlord did it.
That is pretty harsh. I hope it isn't true.
By the by, I quit my job today. I am starting a residential demolition company in, wait a minute, Cohoes.
Talk about your growth industries.
Happy Opening Day!
In my first annual celebration of the Saratoga Race (Flat) Track's opening day, I would like to commemorate the long and prolific life of the great Track patron: Mary Lou Whitney.Top Ten Things Younger Than Mary Lou Whitney
1.) My Parents (working on octagenarian status, Thanks Mom and Dad!)
2.) The Internet (thank you Al Gore)
3.) Mass Indoor Plumbing (perfected by low flow toilets, Thanks again, Al Gore!
4.) Space Exploration (thank you NASA)
5.) Liz Bishop
(thank you cbs6Albany!)
6.) Communism (Thanks Karl Marx)
7.) The Marx Brothers (Thank Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, and, of course, Gummo, particularly, thanks for A Day at the Races
8.) The New York State Racing Authority
(Thank you Nelson Rockefeller, Malcolm Wilson, Hugh Carey, Mario Cuomo, and George Pataki)
9.) Sunny Cide
By the way, this is NOT Funny Cide
Although both are known to take horse pills.
10.) Mary Lou's Husband. That would be the dude to her left in the Hooter's shot
Okay, I don't anyone feeling bad about their age or give the agists more grist for the mill. So, here are the top ten things older than Mary Lou Whitney.
1.) The original Mr. CV Whitney, the first husband of our heroine.
2.) Women's Suffrage. (Thank you ladies!)
4.) Phyllis Diller
(by like a week)
5.) Indoor Plumbing
6.) The Pyramids
9.) Prostitution, the oldest profession.
Have a great day everyone! If you are off to the track, keep a sharp eye out for the women below. And if you see Mrs. Whitney-Hendricksen, shout out "Hi" from the staff at Mr. Friendly.
Damn you, lil' Ricky! Damn you straight to Hell!
This past Saturday marked the feast of St. Theophilus
, and thus, what better time was there to celebrate with some all day poker!
Well, that's what theHost thought. Blame him God. I am just an addict and can't be held responsible for my actions.
The Mrs., Junior, and lil' Squirt were loaded in the car, you know, along side some potato salad, cigars, and some sweet, sweet beer for the trip to outer Latham, site of chez deHost. We arrived around 3 PM and were late comers. Some of the early degenerates were: Cooper, MarkyMark, lilRicky, and theHost's brothers (Mutt AND Jeff). They established a ring game beachhead while waiting for reinforcements. Glad I could oblige.
I handed out one cigar (Mark will smoke anything). I made sure the Mrs. was situated with lil' Squirt. Handed a grape juice to Junior, grabbed a barley juice for myself and proceeded to lose two buy ins within an hour.
One and only one lowlight: That sumbatch lilRicky would not fold to my hammer bet of about 6 or 7 times the big blind. When the shaky flop had a seven, I pushed my meager stack into the pot and Rick thought...
...and thought...and thought...ah, hell you get it. Then the bahstahd called me.
SUMOFABIATCHING CALLING STATION! DOESN'T HE KNOW I HAVE THE MOST POWERFUL HAND IN HOLD 'EM!
He had a seven too. And some paint. There are only two things to do now:
1.) Get some money for the tournaments.
2.) Get a beer.
By tourney time we were blessed with arrival of some new money (RangerDanger and Mrs. Danger, letsChat and Tanya Harding) and the departure of some old (lilRicky and Cooper).
It took me approximately 10.7 nanoseconds to get down to the felt in the first tourney. However, your hero was not done. My leaky stack held its own until Mutt went down. Then Junior hopped in my lap and my luck turned. She asked to see my cards and I said "OK, but tell anyone who asks NOTHING!" My dutiful daughter intoned "NOTHING!" to any and all that might wish to have some inkling on my down cards. Like the great kid she is, she kept that up all night long.
Jeff turned to me at one point and said two things: a.) I need a beer; and b.) I AM ALL IN. He was drinking in mere moments. Those extra drinks carried a mystical mojo for me though. At about the time Jeff got up, the cards turned sweet, oh so sweet for your hero (Thanks Jeff!). Suddenly, there are four people left and I am one of them.
Time for my favorite play: wait for one of the remaining chumps to make a mistake and MONEY. MarkyMark was happy to oblige. I pushed on one of the next two hands and got knocked out by letsChat (another SUMBIATCH).
Ah well, Junior wanted to go swimming anyways. Time for a burger and a swim. Don't worry folks, the water was only 4 feet deep. No chance that cramping would spoil our revelry.
By the second game, the lineup changed again. Enter Cooper, back from some godforsaken kiddie party and lilRicky, I have no idea where he was. LetsChat and Tanya needed to split for a family obligation so I guess I would have to work my hostile animus on lilRicky.
The Mrs. was enjoying herself most of the time despite hating cards. She was chatting up the other non-combatants in the loser lounge (garage) where theHost has couches and a TV. Additionally, there were several hands to hold and make a fuss over lil' Squirt. It was starting to get late, so the Mrs. was planning to go home. I offered to keep Junior and catch a ride back with theHost. She nearly shat herself with that offer and sped off about an hour and a half later. Well, you know, lil Squirt needs to eat, get his diaper changed, sleep, listen to Mommy talk to the other Mommies, etc.
Back to action. Junior forsakes me for the two female combatants (Cooper and Mrs. Danger). Cooper teaches my loving daughter the unforgettable "Girls Rule, Boys Drool!" Junior dubs her Queenie and Mrs. Danger the Princess (She likes royalty, go figure!) and the fight for poker supremacy is on.
I figured having lilRicky to my right would prove entertaining. I was disappointed because I had nothing early and Ricky felt the need to play every one of the first ten hands. Down to the felt for lilRicky. Oh well.
Cooper and Mrs. Danger (now Queenie and Princess) kept pretty good tabs on my princess. Really good. Junior was having a great time and no one was getting to worked up about her four year old shenanigans. Thanks people! And thanks especially to the ladies of our little poker tour. You did great work.
Oh, results of the game:
1.) lilRicky gets too agressive early and bites the dust.
2.) MarkyMark has a stack and loses it.
3.) RangerDanger's brother AK runs into my AJ on a AJx flop. It was nice playing with your RangerDanger brother. That gives me the bounty. Cool $10.
4.) I knock out RangerDanger
5.) I knock out theHost.
6.) I don't know who knocks out Cooper.
7.) I get my seventeenth big slick of the night, suck out for the twentieth time, beat Mrs. RangerDanger and become the St. Theophilus' reigning champion.
8.) We wrap up the festivities with a little "hide and seek" by Junior's request.
On behalf of the entire Friendly family, thank you all.
The Idiot's Guide to Panhandling
Look, if you're going to stand outside the bank and put the arm on me, catch a clue, go to the mission and read up and apply some snappier techniques. Let's discuss some do's and dont'sDO
1.) Have a good story. Nothing says "I am going to take any money you give me and buy some Boones Farms/Thunderbird/Old Grandad." like just calling me sir and making the pitch. With so much competition out there, "Excuse me sir, can you LEND me a few dollars?", ain't going to cut it.
I have a tie for best story. One dude hit me up at 6 AM on Broadway in Albany. Seems he needed a dollar or two to get something to eat because he spent all his time and money at the impound lot. Second story is similar except this time, our gap tooth cracker hero blames the Indian at the gas station for keeping his car while said hero goes to get some money to pay for the gas he already pumped into his car. Both cashed with me.
2.) Don't be shy, look me in the eye. I know I will be reaching into my wallet when this occurs. Once, while passing through Tricentennial Park (or whatever they call it), I saw two squirrels making sweet, beautiful love. Panhandler was observing too and said:
"Aw, man look at that."
I made my fateful error and looked at him. Our eyes met for the briefest moment but, that was all he needed.
"Hey man, that's something else, huh? You got a dollar?
3.) You get more bees with honey. Entertain me people. I am much more likely to give you cash if you do any of the following: a dance, sing, tell a funny story, play a musical instrument, etc. Who the hell said panhandling shouldn't be work?
Get to it!DONT's
1.) The following phrases, questions or threats will NOT work. EVER!
a.) Hey buddy, got a couple of bucks?
b.) Excuse me sir,...
c.) Got any money today, arsehole?!
For the record, I seldom respond to "buddy" or "sir." I don't fit the bill. Arsehole may engage me though.
2.) Mumbling. Nothing says your heart is not into begging as mumbling. If you really aren't into it, DON'T BEG!
3.) Letting your customer know you recognize him. There was a time when this one grizzled, old gaspipe would sit outside a building on Washington Ave. Everyday he would make a pass at me. That is until he made a mistake by uttering "that cheap bastard never gives me anything."
Now I never will.
Let that be a lesson to those of you who wish to grow a booze budget by begging.
If you don't need it, give it back.
Hey! Today we have a guest post from an old friend of mine, HeidelHill Pat. We worked together at the Brown Frown over twenty years ago. I think this little ditty harkens back to 1986. Pat lived out Berne-Knox area. Those of you not from the Albany, NY area, that is our closest, but not only, backwoods enclave. Pat was a good guy and good to work with, but we tried hard not to piss him off. He was as strong as an ox and that twitchy eye told everyone that knew him, Pat was a fuggin' powderkeg. Enjoy and I hope to be back later today.So anyways, you all know I live out in the Heidelbergs. God's country. T'aint but ten miles or more between neighbors.
I'm driving to work one day when I spot Stacks and one of his cooter dogs out for a walk. I figure they're out doing some "out of season" turkey farming since Stacks has got his shotgun with him.
Um, Smith and Wesson, 20 gauge.
Stacks got his name by lifting hay bales. Done ran out of stacks when showing his cousins how many he could lift. He is a big fella. Anyways thats got nothing to do with the story.
I pull over to talk to Stacks since I haven't seen him in awhile.
"Hey Stacks, where you been hiding yourself?"
"Hey ya Pat. I ain't been hiding."
Stacks was a nice guy, just pretty literal.
"You two doing a little hunting?"
"Now you know Pat, I can't go hunting since the state took my license away." Stacks says with a wink. "I'm not going anyways. Got to run an errand."
"Yeah," I say, "can I give you and the dog a lift somewhere?"
"Nah. My errand is for the dog. You know I got too many dogs at home, I was just about to give this dog back."
"Really Stacks, where the hell you going? That dog don't belong to me and I am the only one that lives around here."
Stacks looks me in the eye, spits, then says "I'm giving him back to the Lord."
Now you know, the Humane Society has nothing on Stacks.
Thanks for listening.
Enter the Retardagon
Sensai Bruce says:
Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory. Mr. Friendly says:
I have no fuggin idea what he was talking about.
Anybody see the movie The Gauntlet
Yeah, in it Clint runs that scrawny arse Sandra Locke back to some godforsaken Western City and every. cop. in. the. West. wants to kill them.
That's kinda like Washington Park is like these days.
There is no fuggin way you can get through that park without a shakedown.90 degreee weather
"Hey buddy, can you spare a dollar or two?"Raining
"Hey buddy, you got any change?"9/11 type Terrorist Activity
"Hey arsehole! Gimme some money!"
It's getting so you can't walk through there day or night.
Anyways, what the hell was I talking about?
Oh yeah, Mrs. and I went to see a baby doc today. Nothing quite as satisfying as a doctor shilling his services. He seemed nice enough, looks like he doesn't drink quite enough to affect his practice and/or skills. He may have the job.
Those in the know know 1.) it should not be a huge, super deal for lil' Squirt and 2.) Mrs. and me are lunatics about everything.
Here endeth the serious portion of the entry today.
So I have a Sabretts moment again today. Good thing I didn't succumb to the voices in my head. The people at the Capitol have no clue on how to cook a hot dog.
People, one characteristic of a hot dog is HOTNESS.
I REPEAT: HOTNESS.
Your dog should not look like it just came out of the package. Burn marks are welcome. I know I am only paying $1.75 for it, but you should see the hot dog you get in Las Vegas for $1.75!
It would John Holmes cry.
Anyone catch Survivorman
yet? This guy is certifiable. Lil Squirt and Junior love the squirrel eating parts. I, of course, am waiting to see a big ol' Grizzly come looking for some loving.
And, of course, watch Lee oblige.
Recent searches that found this site:soiled underwear
Well, mister (I assume), if you soiled your knickers, I know Hanes will take them back.
So you got that going for you Mr. Railroad Tracks!
Just be sure to wash them out before returning, you dirty bahstahd!
Recently heard on Madison Ave, AlbanyI don't know if it is the urban decay, open drug dealing, higher than average psychiatric patient to normal folk ratio, or the persistent panhandling, but there is something about this town I just love.
Yeah, I was talking to myself at the time.
Okay, I gotta go home and make some Sabretts, or perhaps some Nathans.
Plus, perhaps, perchance drink some sweet, sweet beer.
Now, get some work done dammit!
It has been 4 months since there was a major fire in Cohoes
. That breaks the modern (post 1960) record by about 3 months.
Put the Fire Department on standing alert!
That is all.
Vatican Answer Lady.
Before I rashly sign Lil Squirt to a multi-year deal with the Catholic Church via Baptism, I had a couple of questions and comments for the Holy See, see. Soz, I give them a call at 1-800-THEPOPE. The following is a transcript of the conversation:Operator:
Hello, Vatican Complaint Dept. How may I direct your call?Mr. Friendly:
Yeah, uh, hello Sister...
O: I am not a nun.
Me: Oh, uh sorry Miss. I just had a few questions for the boys.
O: Oh, my husband might be mad if he heard you call me a Miss.
Me: uh, ok.
O: My husband is Jesus.
Me: That's wonderful. I wish you many happy years.
O: Thank you. What was the nature of your questions?
Me: Right, can someone there tell me what in God's name do you call the pope hat?
O: I do not think the Holy Trinity would appreciate your using his name in vain.
Me: Uh, yeah sorry.painful silence
Me: I really am sorry, but it has been bugging me for three days. Can you help me with my question?
O: It is called a mitre.
and I don't think you are truly sorry.
Me: Yeah, so anyways, am I limited to a number of questions?
O: Well, I am off shift at 4 PM Greenwich Mean Time.
Me: Ok, I will hurry, what's the deal with Harry Potter
and the Church? C'mon...it's like Harry Potter
, he's never hurt anyone? He's a nerd! I've seen the movies and the only thing he threatens is creativity. How does he threaten Christianity?
O: Well, we don't know what threat Harry Potter poses but we do know that he corrupt the hearts of the young, preventing them from developing a properly ordered sense of good and evil, thus harming their relationship with God while that relationship is still in its infancy.*
In fact, he may be the Anti-Christ.
Me: What about pedophiles?
Me: You know, altar boy arse grabbers. Priests who can't keep their hands off the kinder. Aside: Just too many references to link
O: Well, the Church is clearly against it.
Me: Ok, so what are you doing about it?
O: All instances will be reported to Vatican.
O: And...another painful pause
Me: Let's move along. How about the endless bishop's appeals
O: In order to do the Church's good works, we need the donations from the congregation.
Me: How is the money used?
O: Various purposes. Charity for the poor, ministries, infrastructure...
Me: Legal settlements.
O: legal settlements, charity...
Me: keep the schools running..
O: keep the schools running..
Me: C'mon. You guys close more schools every year. You aren't interested in education.
O: It is a very expensive proposition and we really can't compete with the public schools. They have so many resources.
Me: great, How about sadism?
Me: You know, sadistic Nuns?
O: I don't know what you mean.
Me: I saw Sister Mary Hardass throw Joey Scoleosis down a hallway using his back brace as her handle.
O: Well, I am sure she is contrite.
Me: Didn't help Joe's back.
O: She's probably retired now.
Me: Hopefully dead and working off her sins.
O: What a terrible thing to say about someone who sacrificed for the Lord.
Me: I don't want to sound too self-righteous, but when did Jesus advocate beating the shat out of the infirm? What book is that in?last silence
Me: So I guess, I shouldn't get my kid baptized.
O: Not if you have misgivings. I hope you can make peace with the Church.
Me: Yeah, me too. Thanks for your time.
O: I hope you don't burn in hell for your doubts.
Me: Well, if I do, I will save some seats for your gang.
Trying ..to... regain...focus.
Ah, Albany! How I looked on you with envious eyes from up the river in Cohoes. Your crumbly buildings crumbling, your mumbly people mumbling. I knew you were the place for me.
Little did I know from my Hudson hideaway that you really are shatburg after all.
Hey, anyone know how far away you need to be to NOT recognize Mayor Jerry Jennings? I was in Capitol Park yesterday and spotted the Orange One (with bodyguard of course!) getting into his mayor mobile. That's gotta be a quarter mile. That's gotta be some sun damaged skin!
Just for the fug of it, who in the world would want to do physical harm to Albany's Mayor? His girlfriend's husband? I don't know.
Speaking of Capitol Park, I got my hot dog yesterday. No PETA-philes to share it with! C'mon people! I remember the day when a little rain would not discourage violent peaceniks yelling about war, strung out, smelly hippies pleading for SSI, sickly vegetarians demanding soybean subsidies, pissed off teachers, disgruntled union members, political hacks, layabout SUNY students...They would be out there! With their placards! Chanting things you could not understand! In foreign languages! Not today though man, protestors are way too complacent!
What happened to everyone's commitment to public grousing?
Kind of makes me want to start my own protest group. How about, "Republicans for Better Bacon!" I don't know, I'll work on it.
So I make it to Washington Park during my walk yesterday. I have one foot (literally) in the park before I get the "Hey, Buddy." routine. Only, he didn't call me buddy and he wasn't that polite. It was more like "Hey! What time is it?"What I wanted to say:
Time to get a new come on line! Go put the arm on someone else!What I did say:
Call me Mr. Pussy.
reports Naked Peta sightings due at the Capitol today.
I have had visions of two Sabretts
and a Coke in my mind all week.
Now I get a floor show.
Life just keeps getting better and better.
What I did on my Summer Vacation
How you doin'?
I'm okay. My wife had a kid. Yeah, a little boy. Sleeps like he's on Ambien.
Got another beer? Thanks.
Despite a lack of focus, let's see what the day brings blogwise.
On the night before we went into the hospital to get the little squirt birthed and all, I played a little hold 'em online (really trying to close the account because I know I will not have a lot of time to play). Put up my last $100 or so in a .50/$1 cash game on Stars. Double up my pile in less than an hour (Dammit!). Let this be a lesson to you kids, I can't win for losing.
Baby is born and I realize that the nursery room nurses are only nice and sweet with the babies when the parents are around. Rest of the time, it is a real fuggin snake pit in there. I watched them give lil Squirt (our boy) a bath and wished I hadn't. I don't think the nurses feel antipathy toward the babies, it's more like indifference. Like how I felt for packages when I worked at the Brown Frown (that would be UPS).
If you have an hour to kill and you are not squemish, try either of the following Discovery Channel shows. Granted they really appeal to us who like watch things get blown up, shot, dropped, mangled, or people falling in garbage, renderings, or feces.MythbustersDirty Jobs
For those of you wondering, boys do pee more frequently and with greater velocity. Just ask Mrs. Friendly and she will show you the boy's clothing, his bedsheets, our bedsheets, towels, changing pads, diapers, etc. to prove her point.
For the one or two of you looking for pictures of lil Squirt, you must wait for the email and, thus, my procrastination.
Most state employees need another hand these days. Well, they got one hand pointing in blame at a colleague and another set of fingers firmly stuck in their arse...
Junior and I went to see Click
while on vacation. It is really sad to see how far Adam Sandler has fallen since his glorious Happy Gilmore
. On the other hand, Junior strongly recommends the Malta Drive In's
Oh, I had a reader ask me who won the race between the newborn and the client payroll. The winner is ... MY BOY (was there ever any doubt!). He was born on Friday and the check came on Saturday. Lil Squirt is already demonstating an ability to hit 'em in the clutch.
Carry on. Leave a tip.