Mr. Friendly Says So
What the hell am I doing at work?
Billing. By the way, the answer is always billing.
But my head is not in the game coach.
I need to get home and
1.) put a second coat on lil Squirt's room
2.) get the crib together, this is not an emergency.
3.) move some furniture so I can get the basinet in our bedroom
4.) do the car seat thing (veddy, veddy, important)
So my need to do things outweighs my need to bill. Hmm. What to do.
Go home at lunch. But not before I log some thoughts.
My predictions for the weekend.
1.) Mrs. Friendly lashes out at the Health service staff. My best guess is that
everyone (orderly, nursing aide, nurse, doctor, administrator) may feel her wrath.
2.) We will forget something really important. When Junior was born, I forgot to
bring a pacifier. I went back home to get one at 2 in the morning. Nope, the hospital WILL NOT give you one. Another reason the Mrs. lashed out.
3.) Nurses will take Mrs. vitals two or more times in the middle of the night. Despite Mrs. warnings during her pregnancy, this will occur. And this will be the main cause of much trouble over the weekend.
4.) lil Squirt will lose his foreskin. I hope to God it isn't a bloodbath...for his sake and mine.
5.) Junior gets her first taste of crappy hospital food. For free.
6.) lil Squirt will do all the normal things: eat, sleep, eliminate merconium. Can't wait.
7.) Outside chance on this one but lil Squirt may meet his pediatrician a little earlier than your average baby. Nothing to hemorrhage over, just an imperfection.
8.) Mommy and lil Squirt eye each other suspiciously.
9.) Mommy and lil Squirt fall in love.
10.) Daddy cries because he so happy.
Have a good weekend. I am starting mine early.
Return of Ranger Smith
From the Hinterlands of Long Island returns for a one night only is:
No Yogi. No Booboo. No kidding.
I would be forced to take him out back for a poker styling thrashing except I pretty much suck these days.
Whatever. There's always the meatball subs.
Come one, come all for some retardation at chez Host tonight at 6:30.
Watch MarkyMark as he tries to channel some poker FuManChu with his bedazzling soul patch and super twirly mustache.
Watch Cooper fold, fold, fold, until I'm in. Then severely overbet and take the pot.
Watch Mr. Vegas start out strong and bust a few people until some the Magic Suckout.
Watch lilRicky resume rotten luck reversal by moneying yet again.
Listen to letsChat. Then listen some more.
Tanya Harding will arrived with the Ace flop that will kill your pocket Kings.
flyingDane is enroute for all those worried that his dead money would not be around.
theHost is stirring meatballs.
Steve, currently waiting for reckless speeders to cross his path, will speed right on over.
Mark this in your calendar, theMillionDollarMan may make an appearance and bum a beer or two.
Lord help us, BMW has threatened to appear. I wonder if he has a check for me. I mean, I am shilling his website.
And finally, soon to be newly minted 42 year old dad, will make his final appearance for some time tonight.
Just hope I can hang on long enough to break someone...
Then break their chops.
See you there, aloha.
Yo! Cooper is looking for a new slave! If you, or someone you know, is interested, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
All information considered reliable (you know, its from Cooper)JOB DESCRIPTION We have a position open here at Cooper Logistics for a Billing Technician. It's a full time position with benefits. I'm looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders, hard worker, a personality would be super, superior attention to detail, and would hopefully have a small amount of billing experience. I would forgo the billing experience for someone that is a quick learner and has a good head on their shoulders. If you have "grate attention too detale," don't bother.
So if you know anyone that might be interested in coming to work for a progressive flexible company, working for a great gal (that would be me) and with other fine science-minded folk, receive good company benefits and other perks such as afternoon cookie time please have them send their resume my way. Job Duties
1.) Arrive on or about 7:30. We have flex time and core hours from 9:30 - 4:00. We are not a shop that dwells on every small detail like some anal retentive first wife that wanted you to make sure that you separated the laundry correctly because failure to do so would result in bleeding and then all your clothes would be pink and you wouldn't be able to go to work in the first place and then what would you do, you lazy bahstahd...
Anyways, as with any new job, make sure you are here before me and leave a respectable five minutes after me.
2.) MAKE ME COFFEE DAMMIT! I take it light and sweet AND NOT TOO SWEET OR YOU WILL BE ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN! Two sugars, that's it, no more no less, no blue stuff, no pink stuff, no yellow stuff. I like light cream dammit, not milk, not half and half (what the hell is half and half?), not non dairy creamer.
3.) Make the damm cookies! See above job description! I forgot to mention that you need to bake well...TUFF SHAT! P.S. I like Chocolate Chip.
4.) Feet rubbing. You know, life in the fast paced world here at Cooper Logistics can be pretty draining. There is nothing quite like a foot rub to make you ready to "get back in the game." I will be counting on my new billing technician to help me stay energized all four quarters so we can realize our dreams and push the ball through the goal (as it were).
5.) Keep your mouth shut and don't say nuthin'. 'Nuff said n'est pas.
6.) Remember core hours are 9:30 until 4:00. That makes your hours 7:30 - 6:30Salary
We will give you double what Mr. Friendly gets from his clients!Benefits
Here at Cooper Logistics, we believe in rewarding the meritorious. So after 10 years of dedicated service and progressively improving performance evaluations, you will receive one week in vacation and three sick days. Plus we will contribute 3 percent of your health care premiums and enter you into our 401K program. In said program, you can purchase Cooper Logistics stock at a 2% discount. Sorry, at this time we have no other products available for 401K stakeholders.
On the upside, after 10 years of service, you receive 1 more vacation/sick day for each 5 years of service. So you have that going for you...
So anyways some key words to remember as a valued potential employee here at Cooper: coffee, cookies, core hours.
Remember folks, if you are interested in the position, contact me, Mr. Friendly at mrfriendlyalb at yahoo dot com. I will pass along all viable candidates.
I have to run, but I hope to return with a preview of tonight's poker shenanigans (sp?)
Ding! Three exclamation points is the defacto alert default punctuation. In this case, we are talking serious, non-nuclear, non-terrorist alert, so four is called for.
Anyways, check this out! My daughter bought one of these things with birthday money last year. She and her little Pre-K buddies tried it out, but I never knew it worked. That is, of course, until yesterday.
Indeed the fine folks at Wham-o have discovered a means of entertaining young and old alike. Who wouldda thunk it! The slip and slide works, even for a fat bahstahd like myself.
Yeah, I know, you are probably thinking, what in the hell is Mr. Friendly doing?! He is going to be a Daddy (again) in four days?! What the fug is he doing? He is going to throw out his 42 year old back, knee, and/or groin!
I am getting in shape genius. Plus I am doing a little product research.
Would you believe, I was hoping to get hurt in a "slip and fall" injury that would end up rewarding me with huge-o money-o from-o Wham-o.
I thought so-o.
On the check vs. lil' squirt front: it is a real fuggin horse race. Remember lil' squirt is due Friday. No check as of Saturday.
Place your bets.
Hello Beano Customer Care Representative, I just wanted to thank you...
Can I claim credit for this comic masterpiece? I mean its all true, but other people wrote it.
Ah hell, I found it, it's mine!
From the beano
testimonial webpage:"Beano is great! Thanks for helping me eat foods I dared not eat in the past."
"I just want to thank you for Beano. I now can eat broccoli, cauliflower. Thanks for making this." Yes the raw cabbage and egg salad never tasted so good. It's great to be back fellas! I'M BACK!
"I use Beano daily as I eat many complex carbohydrates and a lot of soy. Beano is a lifesaver!" I use to go to Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers but ever since I started taking Beano, the carbs aren't in me long enough to cling to my arse and thighs.
"My wife now can eat things she wasn't able before without any repercussions." No longer does she live in ignominy of getting kicked out of bed nightly for spraying the bedroom.
"After 25 years, I finally found a product that helps with my gas!" The dog thanks you as well. Being ashamed to take the heat for my little gas leaks, I have blamed Sparky for years!
"This product has dramatically improved my life." Now, babies smile, women speak, and rooms don't clear when I enter.
"When I found Beano, it was the best day of my life. My gas problem completely disappeared. Thank you." It was a dark and stormy night when I happened upon the Mexican Connection. The kitchen aroma lured me like the lights and noise of the Vegas casino lures many a degenerate gambler. Indeed, I told the waitress, I will have the Chicken Enchiladas with extra habanero peppers. She asked if I was sure, I nodded enthusiasitically. Little did I know at the time that Beano would need to save the day...AGAIN!
Hot or Not?
In a never ending quest to respond to reader requests, I have scoured the web for graphic images that will arouse your "ahem" animal spirits.
It wasn't just some random search for skin either. With the HAL 9001, I ran the latest in PASCAL technology against a database of individuals that were deemed "sexy" or sexalicious by a select group of Mr. Friendly readers.
In the spirit of gender fairness, I made two runs (hetero males and females). In double blind testing, the selected pictures were deemed "hot," "pornoriphic," and "someone I would happily break up my marriage for."
Without further ado, I give you the hottest chick in red. Enjoy fellas.
I don't know, maybe she was hotter with a little more "junk in the trunk."
Now, ladies, get ready, relax, maybe get a glass of wine and take the computer to the bathtub. Perhaps some scented candles...
Here he is, your dream man.
As always, Mr. Friendly and the whole Mr. Friendly team awaits your feedback.
Remember, all this entertainment is provided free of charge.
Please remember to tip the service employees.
The Eye of Albany is upon you.
Check out the Albany Eye
for some local links today. Like any good daily reader, I checked out his selections and linked here for you, my loyal and lazy two readers.ShamusISaratoga
Enjoy. And if you get bored, check out my archives or hope for moronica to follow.
Masculinity is in the eye of the beholder.
In the morning she's a Mrs, in the afternoon she's a Ms., in the evening she's a Mr.
-SCTV (around 1980)
Back in the day, I worked the shelves and register at the local Food Zoo, a fuggin grocery store Ok. On the Cohoes bad streets, it wasn't all that uncommon to see a lesbian or two. They would come in store, load up on 20/20 and some unfiltered PalMals, grab their girlfriend by the arse, and off they go, back to Isle of Lesbos. No problem. Actually, proximity bred familiarity and acceptance of other lifestyles (RIGHT!)
Anyhow, I can spot lesbians at 100 paces or so. I don't know, call it a gift.
Didn't need it at dinner the other night.
Ok, the Mrs. was quite nice to me over the weekend and let me select our entertainment book dinner. I went with Mexican Connection
. Hate Mexican food? Go there and get a Margarita. Like Mexican food? That's great cause they will never, ever, punch your entertainment card.
We made reservations because at this blessed time of year, the beautiful Saratoga people like their guacamole. We get there and get seated immediately.
At the next table were three women. Not that they weren't trying to hide the fact.
One gal caught my eye. Let's call her Bill. She had short, spiky hair. Square cut, no taper for her. Eyeglasses were wire rim. Yes, the kind your old man used to wear. She sported the finest in "torn off sleeves" workshirt and some denim shorts cut in such way to accentuate the size of her calves. The ensemble was complete with the finest workboots Timberlands offers. The small jailhouse tattoo on her bicep subtly told onlookers that yes, she was secure in her feminity yet, she had the guns to shoot down any puny man.
Allright, my gal pals are there enjoying their meal. Hell, we all were. I especially enjoyed this wry tidbit:Lesbidiot Friend: Why does everyone hate Veronica?
Bill (see profile above): Aw, hell, she's too butch!
Happy Freakin' Father's Day!
Yesterday, theHost, MarkyMark, and myself got into an email war on who had the worst weekend.
Honestly, it was not a contest. I offer in evidence:
1.) A 8 and one half month pregnant wife with a bear of a cold.
2.) A four year old with boundless energy and no activities.
3.) A 3 plus hour dance recital marathon for the four year old.
4.) Time with the in-laws: about 96 hours.
5.) I cooked dinner on Father's day. Burgers grilled while the sun burned the lawn and me at 195 degrees. I was in "rare" form. Get it. Did I mention that in-laws, Mrs. Friendly, and Junior were all enjoying the air conditioning while I suffered? No. Consider it mentioned.
6.) I was beer free. Just. too. many. places. to. drive.
What, you might be asking, did my compatriots come up with:
theHost: Adirondack fine dining AKA a picnic.
MarkyMark: Heinekens while cooling in the pool.
Fuggers. I hate them both.
However, trooper that she is, Mrs. Friendly did manage to make quite a few purchases for her man in honor of the holiest of holies (ahem, Father's Day). For my troubles I received:
1.) Double Wood Scotch
2.) a cheap DVD: Slap Shot
7 or 8 bucks at WalMart, god bless 'em.
3.) A coffee thermos. woohoo, I will be saving $2 a day. Really, I am excited.
Followed by yesterday's
3.) Meatloaf with mashed taters, carrots, and Buttered Haricots Verts (green beans genius)
4.) A lovely cake from my favorite baker Mr. Tom Carvel.
5.) No more dance classes, recitals, costumes, little dancers, big dancers for about 2 and a half months.
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh. Now I can relax.
Whoops. Wait a minute. Lil' squirt will be here next week.
Ah, shat. See you all in 2024. At which point one of two will occur.
1.) I drop dead of a grabber.
2.) Lil' squirt will finish high school.
I hope he hates dance.
Say it ain't so, Joe
This is fuggin fugtacular
What? First we lose Golden Krust
bakery in Cohoes, now this?
This leads to one and only one conclusion:
will not sit idly by while others encroach on their turf.
More donut wars later? I don't know but I am putting my Dunkin Donuts Franchise application away for a little while.
I want to write. Really.
Take a quick gander at exhibit A
. Who says the Times Union isn't tough on the establishment?
And don't forget. If you don't play nice and close a few churches and schools, or don't get down with his religion, or, heaven forbid, stop contributing, he will be forced to make a few hard calls himself.
Residents of Watervliet, Green Island, prepare to attend services in Cohoes. All others within a 50 mile radius of Albany will be attending Sunday Mass in Loudonville
. No, wait a minute, they will not let you in there. Everyone get back on the bus! We're going to Albany
Now on to some serious Moronica...Mr. Friendly's Top Ten Confession Suggestions
1.) There is no such thing as an impure thought. Unfortunately for some of us, some thoughts are purely lustful, greedy, selfish...
2.) Keep in mind that the screen that keeps the priest from seeing you also keeps you from seeing him.
3.) Desiring to see your fundamentalist neighbors in the fiery furnace is NOT a sin.
4.) Try to put things in perspective for your confessor. For example, cheating on your taxes may be sinful but, put in the proper perspective, like how the government screws all of us over, it can be overlooked.
5.) You can stop counting the number of "Lord's name in vain" now.
6.) Keep up your end of the bargain. Try saying the "Our Father" really fast. If you can't do it in under five seconds, you are not really trying. Keep practicing.
7.) Don't cop to anything that can't be proven.
8.) Don't be dope. Confess at a Church well off the beaten path. I usually go fifteen miles from home.
9.) Gambling is only sinful if you use the grocery, rent, or utility money.
10.) Remember two things: never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
How was your weekend?
Mine sucked the life right out of me.
How about, instead writing some dreadfully insipid new stuff on the habib and poker front, I give you a lame viewer mail segment.
Anything to finish this assignment.Email #1
Dear Mr. Friendly,
I am in a 5 handed $4/8 NL game. I sit in the cutoff with KJo and about $300 on the table. UTG went all in for $100, UTG + 1 raised all in, then, some donkey in MP pushed his last $200 into the pot. Am I good here?
The Midnight Donkey Pusher.Dear MDP,
Turn off the computer and get some sleep.
MF.Email Numero B
Yo Mr. Friendly,
Que? Ou es muy stupido? Paul Vandenburgh
Juan ValdezDear Juan,
You're fuggin kidding right? A monkey may not be able to pronounce Tikrit, remuneration, or Jorge Posada BUT, the monkey will not try the old "that's how they taught me in grade school" bluff.
Dear Mrs. Freimly Person,
Greetings! My name is Raveeendra Ankamapooloorgautum. Call me Ravi. Me Computer Engineer with English Composition Experience Me interested in Computer Position. You will hire me due to my vast doubts in Semiconductor Technology. You don't mind purchasing $2,000 H1B sponsorship. My sister's husband's arranged marriage wife's second cousin is intellectual property attorney. She says you must pay me or Else?
Is it ok for me to get paid for 1000 hours before contract signing? I await your answer anxiously!
Hope your year prosperous and family multudinous.
And go buy a vowel for cripessakes!
How's the wife? How's the new addition to the family? Have you been paid yet?
A friend.Hey Friend,
Thanks for asking, don't get me started.
Seriously, Mrs. Friendly is still very much pregnant, thus the addition has not gotten his green card (in a manner of speaking) yet.
Sadly, I have not been paid yet. Client owes me for 516 hours of labor. That is roughly 17% of total contract work complete.
The only funny thing is the commercials the local union runs on high priced consultants. Funny shat.
MF.Email Numero Cinque!
Dear Mr. Friendly,
Drink, drank, drunk?
An English Teacher in Troy, NYDear Teach,
Drink - infinitive, do not split. As in "Would you like to drink some beer?"
Drank - Past tense. Example: My mom drank too much Night Train.
Drunk - Past Participle (weak, passive language): If I had drunk the Drano, I would not have to take the Math III regents.
Yeah, lay that one on the 17 year old shatheads.
If you, or someone you know, needs an answer to a burning question, please don't mail it to email@example.com
. I may answer or I might be too busy. Who knows?
Thanks for stopping by.
All apologies to Ray Charles...
My bills are all due and Junior needs shoes and I'm busted
Bill rate is down to a 5 dollars an hour, but I'm busted
My program won't work and the project's delayed
A crowd of habibs that gets bigger each day
The state's gonna cancel my corp any day cause I'm busted.
I went to my in-laws to ask for a loan cause I was busted
I hate to beg like a dog without his bone, but I'm busted
My wife's mom said there ain't a thing I can do,
Microsoft and Intel stock are down the tubes,
And I was just thinking about calling on you 'cause I'm busted.
Well, I am no thief, but a man can go wrong when he's busted
The contracts we billed last summer are gone and I'm busted
The jobs are in Mumbai and business won't grow,
Me and my family got to pack up and go,
But I'll make a living, just how I don't know cause I'm busted.
I'm broke, no bread, I mean like nothing,
Have you missed me?
Just have not had anything funny to write about.
But today, I would like to take on the software engineering employment front (This, from someone who can't shakedown his client after 3 months of labor).
What's your take on engineering labor front? Think the little gen-x,y,betweeners don't cotton to math and science? Take a look at VDARE's
column from the fifth.
Now, what do you think?
How about my little story from a couple weeks back about one of my scumbag green card holders bidding against me and herself? Nice, very nice.
Still not convinced. Here's a little observation from the past few weeks. As many of you know, I work for a client that is HEAVY into H1B hiring. When I say heavy, I mean I sit here waiting for the client announcement that operations are moving to Mumbai. Anyways...
I think something is stirring in the software market. Is the last throws before a recession or the start of a new cycle? I. don't. know.
But, the habibs are moving their desks. That's right! From the current locations, they will move their computer, cell phone, blackberry, and their arranged marriage pinups to the stairwell. Why?
It is so much easier to speak privately to prospective new clients in the stairwell.
In the past week, I saw about 10 instances where people of the pidgin english persuasion got the economic lowdown via cellphone in the stairwell.
A few tips to those considering employment elsewhere:
1. Take your microwave, your instant curry, your goat meat, and your elephant statue with you.
2. Don't call me again. Ever.
3. Don't let the door hit you in the arse.
I know, I know, wishful thinking.
Hope all is well with you. Don't forget the tip cup. Remember my client has not paid me since February.
Heck, I am not doing this for free. At least I didn't plan on it.
Ok, I don't need the tips. But for the love of God (Krishna, Buddha, Allah, whatever), write your congressman/senator about limiting the number of H1B visas. If successful, I'll take you out to lunch.