Mr. Friendly Says So
Friday, September 22, 2006
  Wink, I'll start the bidding on my dignity at $1,000!
Politics. Here. Never.

Hugo Chavez. Still in the country. You don't say.

Calls the president the devil. We laugh like hell, say he's muy loco.

Right? Right.

What the fug are these people doing? Please leave an answer in comments.

Here is my interpretation:

Yeah, you're crazy and you're using me as a political tool. But I got to heat my house this winter and I will take help from ANYBODY!

Chavez, sure.
Castro, yeah, why not?
Ahmadinejad, Ok, I don't like Jews or Christians anyways!
Al-Qaeda, the line forms here.

I will not be a tool for Bush! Everyone else make the check out to:
Mr. John Doe
Anywhere, NY

You want something to pray for? Try praying that these poor bahstahds wise up!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
  Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.
I just don't get it. My worlds are colliding!

NPR does sports!

What is this, some sort of reverse-karmic, fall semester internship program?

Did they have to cancel the Karl Marx Show? Che Guevara Hour? A few moments (and a few more moments) with Alan Chartock?

Next thing you know Vandenburgh will get his own show on the public dime.

That is all.
Monday, September 18, 2006
  To the Religion of Peace, To the People of Peace, To the Continent of Peace
Another link about smelly, barbaric, retarded Muslims up in arms.

Another link about home for my smelly coworkers.

Another link for my Somali friends.

Every time I hear people bitch and complain about how crummy a nation the U.S. or how fugged the Catholic religion is, I want to puke!

Everyday we should get down on our knees and thank God Almighty that our worst religious nightmare is Jehovah's Witnesses at the door!

Chew on the links for the time being.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
  It's for the Children!
Without getting into the id and superego of Christine Wilhelm, I think it is safe to say that her lawyer got the murderess a more lenient sentence. 46 years in the state pen vs. indeterminite time in a "secure" mental facility? The choice is easy.

Put that aside for a moment. District Attorney DeAngelis could have had the case tried again. She chose not. Why? The answer is this post's title.

There is not a day that has gone by that I have not thought about those children. I could just not ask Peter to remember again what happened that terrible night when he has the God given right to forget.

Sorry, I don't buy it. I think that the DA has thought long and hard in two weeks since the conviction was overturned in this case and was only thinking:

How do I get out of this mess!

In the eventuality that Ms. Wilhelm gets out, I am betting the chances are pretty good, her surviving son need not worry. He has an order of protection against her. And that, of course, is for the children too.

That is all.
Monday, September 11, 2006
  Let September 11th be remembered as...
Freaky Fundamentalist IslamoFascist Day!

On today's special edition of "Call Mr. Friendly!," the staff at Mr. Friendly's Fellowship of Jesus' Freaks is making way for the Iman Eddie, leader of the First "Cut Your Throat" Mosque for Peace. The Iman is on the Air:

IE: Good Morning to the believers! And Happy "one more day closer to damnation" for all you infidels out there. Who is first to speak the truth?
Achnad: Hello, my name is Achnad. My son wears a western style tee shirt which says "People Suck" on it in rather large letters. Should I be worried?
IE: Achnad, have no fear. The fruit of your loins is merely giving vent to his feelings of alienation and burgeoning individualism. It might be wise, though in the eyes of Allah, to change the message to "Infidels Suck." You can get one on my website No cash refunds only credit. Next caller please.

Amatullah: Greetings to you Iman. I am a lowly female servant of Allah. My name is Amatullah! My question is I think my neighbor's wife is a whore, what is the best way to have her stoned?
IE: Make sure you have your husband denounce her at tonight's prayer service. Given the state of your iman's temper, she might be chastised before 8 PM. Next believer please?

Butch: Hello, my name is Butch and I just wanted to tell you that my boyfriend Serge and I think that what you are saying is terrible. We think you should be less judgemental of others and more understanding. My friends and I would love to explain our point of view to you. Do you plan on opening a mosque in the meat packing district?
IE: Infidel Fornicator of Dogs! May you and your illicit lover be damned from Allah's eyes forever. I hope to see you burning in ashes of your family, friends, and loved ones. You are an abomination I wish to blot from the earth!
Butch: Geeezuss, I was only asking a question...
IE: Next caller please

Keshi: Hello, this is Keshi. I believe the world would be a much better place if we could all find a small portion of the planet to call our "personal peace preserve." What do you think?
IE: I think you need to don a burka, find a husband, help him find paradise (complete with 72 virgins), and take solace in the fact that salvation is a man's occupation. Next caller please!

Tony: Hi this Tony from Jersey! Iman Eddie, where's your mosque? Some friends of mine and I wish to partake of services and perhaps interface with you as soon as possible.
IE: Currently I have no permanent mosque. I have been moving services from location to location all over the tri state area. Perhaps we could hold services near you?
Tony: Oh yeah, that would be great! Maybe you should come and peruse our social club ALONE before you hold services there. I, and my friends, could meet you. Our club is called "The Sons of Italy, Newark Chapter." Can you come tonight?
IE: Praise Allah, if it is his will, I will be there at 8 PM.
Tony: Fantastic. Don't forget to come alone.
IE: Who wishes to praise Allah next?

Lou: Hey yeah, this is Lou...your landlord.
IE: How may Allah, through me, help you?
Lou: Yeah, you been dodging me for weeks, where's my rent?
IE: The will of Allah is like the zephyr, in it you will find the whirlwind and your money.
Lou: Huh?
IE: Your time will come when Allah knows you see the light.
Lou: Well, it's unlikely that Allah and I are going to see the things eye to eye. You see, I need your rent to contribute to my temple.
IE: You are a Jew?
Lou: Ummm, yeah.
IE: Damnable piece of human debris. You will get your money...NEVER! Do not speak to me again as I was pure in the eyes of Allah, now I am defiled by having listened to ramblings of Jew....(ah you get the picture)

See you next time on Freaky Fundamentalism with Mr. Friendly. And don'tforget what happened five years ago today.
Friday, September 08, 2006
  The hits just keep coming...
Jack Gass, regional marketing director for Mr. Friendly Inc., Northeast Division, recently pulled me aside to go over the statcounter statistics for this here site.
"Um, yeah, were going to have to ease back on the potty mouth, Mr. Friendly." Jack is not one to pull punches.
"What?" I reply feigning ignorance.
"Look, ok, I know I told you to pepper your blog remarks with words like: boobs, breasts, cooter, glory hole, penis, enlargement, augmentation, viagra, money, honey, spot, naked, sex, and the like, but I think you are going to have to come in tomorrow and edit some of your earlier posts."
"Jeebus," I replied (yeah I do talk like this), "what did you find?"
"MrF., just go ahead and edit the circumcision stories, ok?"

Seems we are getting pummeled with hits from Pune, Mararahstra, India that look like this NOT WORK SAFE!!!!!.

I raise my coffee cup in salute to the fine, upstanding, Shiva fearing citizens of Pune.

Morons. Don't even realize we stopped circumcising transvestite MILFs here in the U.S. years ago.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
  Valtrex Or What your Partner Does Not Share With You Concerning the Large Sores in and Around his Genital Area
I'm back baby, I'm back. -- MrF

No one missed you jagass. -- MrF's readers

Ok, so I am spinning the dial over the weekend. Between EWTN and the Discovery Channel, I think I caught about 420 different commercials pumping Valtrex. All I can say is:

It's gold, Jerry, GOLD!

I love these spots. There is our lucky virus sufferer telling the world that he (or she) and his penis (or vagina) are back mixing it up, so to speak. AND he has his (or her) partner here to tell you how fuggin' wonderful genital herpes life is.

Picture it. Your there in your darkened room convalescing from the latest breakout when the white coats from GlaxoSmithKline come to rescue. Your daily treatment of Valtrex sends you from social pariah to a sex machine. Aren't you just a little bit sad that you made fun of the science geeks in high school now?

In lieu of running photos of infected areas, I will steal material from the Valtrex FAQ and supply my own answers:

How common is genital herpes?
It is estimated that some 45 million suffer from genital herpes. Although that is alot of people that doesn't prevent the other 5.95 billion people on earth from thinking they are sexually unclean.

How can I reduce the risk of spreading the herpes virus?
Ummm, let me think. Stop fuggin' goats! No seriously, you might want to, yeah, stop fuggin' goats! Not screwing other humans may help too.

How can my partner find out if he or she has genital herpes?
JEEBUS! How the hell did you find out? Did the appearance of sores in your genital area help?

I’m in a long-term relationship – if I just found out I have genital herpes, does that mean my partner has been sexually unfaithful?
Yes, consider lashing out as soon as he (or she) gets home. I have the number of some folks in Trenton who can make your problems, ahem, disappear.

If I think I have genital herpes, what should I do?
Take Valtrex stupid. No seriously, panic is good. No seriously, take Valtrex.

Is there an increased risk of catching other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) if I have genital herpes?
Hey, I am no statistician but, I think the chances are good.

This frank and open discussion is presented as a public service.
Friday, September 01, 2006
  Yeah, we take requests...
Cooper (last night): When are you going to post about poker again? (lots of yeahs from the other players)

Alright kiddies, here you go. You all suck!

That's right. I get an assortment of shatty cards that in total don't add up to eleven, and I am supposed to sing the virtues of poker.

Fug that!

Ok, it wasn't that bad. In the first game, I doubled up on BMW when he called my push on the river. His pocket pair could not crack my might AJh after a Jack flopped and a beautiful A on the river.

Two pair. Two pair! Give it to me, baby!

Cooper doubled me up later when her newly found aggressiveness fell victim to another instance of blind chicken catching a piece of corn (you know it's bound to happen every once in awhile).

It was alright for her. She ended up sending me to the rail in second when her A9 kicked my K8 in the groin for the win.

Other lowlights:
FlyingDane regaled us with his recent victories on Full Tilt. He further regaled us with tales of high liver function, high cholesterol, and highly dark urination. He will join us next week for the game if the doctors release from the ICU. At our table the Dane got sucked and knocked out, not once, but twice. Back to the virtual tables for you Flying Dane!

Like I said, Cooper is pushing and shoving her big stack (did I say that!) around. No more Ms. Nice Lady Calling Station! Prepare to have your nuts, excuse me, limps, excuse me again, feeble bets raised until it hurts.

BMW raced out to a healthy chip lead in the first game only to run into me, see above.

LetsChat ate a hole through my ear and left temporal lobe after he called a healthy reraise from BMW (clearly holding a high pair) while he held 8s in the hole. I made the mistake of questioning the call, after BMW showed his Aces, and heavens of defensive chatter rained down upon my head. I make you this promise, gentle reader, I will never question that guy's play to his face again.

theHost and MarkyMark were quiet. Maybe they did better in the second game.

What? I didn't see the results of the second game? That's right, I have little kids at home and a wife on the verge of a mental breakdown. But that's not why I left.

I am in the fuggin' big blind. I get dealt my typical fuggin' hand for the evening (82o). Several fuggin' limpers including lilRicky. The fuggin' flop comes with an 8 and a deuce. Giddy fuggin' up! I bet the fuggin' pot. Everyone fuggin folds, except Fuggin' Ricky. Fuggin' calling station. I put him on top pair (jack) and off we go to see the turn. It is a fuggin' ten. Without thought of danger, I fuggin push. He fuggin calls and flips, you guessed it, fuggin J10! Fug him!

Other news. We shamed WallyBall into playing the second game. He lasted almost as long as me. You see, he has a kid too.

I can't remember much else since I was a.) sleep deprived and b.) still bent about my fuggin' play against lilRicky. That's alright. I am your biatch now but someday that bell will be tolling for you, lilRicky, and I will be right there singing hallelujah!

Talk to you after I get over this feeling of turning my desk over. Have a fuggin' happy Labor Day.
Voted Best Blog 2006 by the city of Cohoes, NY. Mr. Friendly humbly accepts this honor as he attempts to stamp out retardation in our lifetime.

My Photo
Location: Upstate NY
Get a hold of Mr. Friendly at:
  • Albany Links
  • Albany Eye
  • Shamus
  • The Judge Report
  • Funniest Newspaperman out there...
  • Howie Carr
  • Bring on the Funny
  • Anonymous Co-worker
  • The Phoenix
  • McBlogger aka Kanadian Korner
  • This bug attracts women by the busload
  • Mad Haiku
  • Shilling Like my name is Ron Popeil
  • BMW Books
  • Wall of Shame
  • Untouchable
  • Experiments in Greater Readership
  • Cohoes
  • My Subcontractors Suck
  • Products That Work
    January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / August 2006 / September 2006 / October 2006 / November 2006 / December 2006 / February 2007 / July 2007 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 / June 2008 / July 2008 / August 2008 / November 2008 / December 2010 /

    Powered by Blogger