Mr. Friendly Says So
Thursday, May 25, 2006
  The good, the stupid, and the unethical
Dear <>,
Due to increased workplace activity, Mr. Friendly has not been able to record his funny anecdotes and thoughts in this here blog. Although he can't guarantee it, his plans include greater diligence in retarded recordings. Please forgive his absence.

Mr. Friendly's Mom

On the Habib subcontractor front...

One of my subcontractors will be up for renewal soon. I checked with his boss and everything is going swimmingly. I asked about a bump in her rate and he agreed that it would be ok. Great! All Systems Go. Prepare to launch. Whatever...
This is good news, right?
I return to my fugging subcontractor. I tell him the good news. I get "the look." The look is a facial contortion that combines surprise, disdain, and trepidation. He'll have to think about the raise and renewal. You see he has a new house, a baby on the way, and his wife has a job...
What the fug is wrong with these people? IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS A RAISE BAD NEWS? Someone explain to me how a 25% bump is bad?
On second thought don't. I know. He wants more.

Onto the stupid...

The second jagass is a prospect. He answers one of my solicitations:

Hello Mr. Friendly,
How are you? I would like to apply for this
position.Seems to be we can bid up to $165 dollars per
hour.Can I get around $150 dollars then I will send
my updated resume.
Please let me know.
A Subcontinent Moron

For the moment, put aside your thoughts on any company giving a small outfit like mine $165 for an unproven quantity. Rather let's ponder on what said moron thinks my time is worth. Putting a bid together is not insignificant. After you get the resume from your prospect, my firm puts together a package that would choke your typical class action lawyer. Then we gussy up said package, mail it (at my expense), and follow through with proposing firm's contract staff. This is not nonchalant stuff.
Just to add a little spice to the dish, THIS PARTICULAR HABIB backed out of a deal one time for $1 an hour. He bid, interviewed, and won the position. He then tried to squeeze 1 dollar out of the firm contracting his services. Do I need to tell you how this played out? Shorthand: HE IS STILL WORKING 750 miles away!
My response to his query set some conditions to his proposal: one, he must form some sort of company where he was sole proprietor or corporate officer; two, he must bond himself (if awarded the position and did not take it, bond goes to my firm otherwise, bond reverts to him). The response:

Mr. Friendly,
Thanks for the reply.My green card in still going and
I work's for my brother's compnay.If my brother gives
a assurence that will be fine for you? please tell me
your opinion.This time I am going to give 100%
assurence, if I get a bit I will join.
Someone who clearly does not really want to work with me.

I only have one question:
How do you get close to a green card without any communication skills?

Oh well, on to the unethical.

Got a call from a prospective client the other day. Seems one of my "would be" subcontractors made two bids for the same proposal. One with my firm, one with some other outfit. She interviewed with the prospective client through the other firm. A little bent about doing the bid paperwork for this fugging arsehole, I sent the following email to her and her jagass husband (who happens to work at my site).

It has come to our attention that, at least once, you submitted yourself for a bid proposal with Mr. Friendly, Inc. and another company. Forgetting, for the moment, the intelligence of competing with yourself for any position, our firm believes that a continuing relationship with you is not in our best interests. Since the firm, at your request, recently submitted you for Proposal *****, we will pursue a withdrawal of that bid with the proposing firm. Additionally, we will forward no more bids to you.
Our firm is sorry that our relationship has concluded this way. We would have liked to have helped you find a contract position. However, we don't think a continued relationship with you is, or would be, mutually beneficial.
Good luck in your future job search.

Mr. Friendly, President
Mr. Friendly, Inc.

Her husband passed me in office the other day. I thought he was going to jump under a desk and hide. Well, tough shat. He should have told his scumbag wife not to piss me off.
Friday, May 19, 2006
  When the Entertainment Book just will not cut it
The Spring of Austerity Induced by my Deadbeat Client is almost over!

Mrs. Friendly and I threw away the Entertainment Book for the evening and plan to dine at Lombardos.

Do yourself a favor and go to Lombardos.

What the fug are you still doing here, I said go to Lombardos.
  Domestic Tranquility
It's been raining in the Greater Capital Region, for what, 35 days now. So I took a break from finishing the ark so I could mow the lawn. You know, my anal retentive neighbors get bent at me when the grass is over six inches.

Ok I put down my cubit ruler and gas up the Sears Grassguzzler. Whoop, don't forget the weed whacker, I need to wake up the neighbor babies with that puppy.

Note to lawn mowing neophytes, start with the weed whacking. That way, mulcher or bagger can clean up that mess.

You know, payment for any and all life tips may be made to my PokerStars account.

Ok. So I get the trim done. I check out my pumpkins, tomatoes (tomahtoes), and Junior's sunflowers. Everything is how it should be.

Except ...

That fuggin dog of mine is in my new flower bed!

Well, I do have the weed whacker...

No, I didn't. But I did give the mutt a piece of my mind. Yes, quite loudly.

Did I mention my neighbors love me? Yeah, they think I am Fred Sanford.

Where was I? All right, back to mowing. Junior wants to come out. Well ok, but stay where Daddy can see you.

Rightyo, Daddyo!

Today's Four Year Old's on parade will begin in three, two, one...
Junior, if you want to be out here, then stay out here!
Junior! I am in the back yard!
Stay with me Junior, people are animals.
Junior, help me pick up your toys.
Here, bring this bag of grass out to the curb.
Junior, will you stop going in one door and out another!

Where'd she go?
"Hi Daddy."
"Hey honey, what do you have there?"
"My shopping cart. I am pretending it is my lawn mower."
Aaaawww. Ain't she cute.

"Ok Junior, just try to stay out of my way. I have to get done before the typhoon hits."
"Daddy, what's a typhoon?"
"Sorry honey, it's a really big storm."
"With thunder?"
"OK. I am going in now."
"All right. I'll see you later."

Mommy helped get the toy shopping cart back in the house. I move on to dog poop minefield, er, backyard.

The next time the Mrs. suggests we plant 30 arborvitae, she's going to have to dig a hole or two. Why the hell did I do this? Must. mow. around. every. one. son. uv. a. biatch!

By the time I am done, the tally is: third of an acre mowed, average height of grass: 6 inches, 2 barrels of grass clippings, weight of barrels: 150 pounds, time to complete: 90 minutes, amount of rain that fell 5 minutes after I am done: 5 inches.

Sonofaseacook. I'll have to do this again tomorrow.
For you romantics I recorded the following:
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes, dear.
Mrs. F.: I really like your coffee.
Me: Thank you.
Mrs. F.: Really.
Me: I am happy to make you happy dear.
Mrs. F: Honey!
Me: Yes dear!
Mrs. F.: Can you make me some coffee?
Me: Sure.
Mrs. F.: With lots of cream?
Me: Ok.
Mrs. F.: And some sugar.
Me: Uh-huh.
Mrs. F.: Not too much.
Me: Yes. How much coffee would you like?
Mrs. F.: Two 6 ounce cups.
Me: Ok.
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes!
Mrs. F.: Measure out the water, please.
Me: I always do.
Mrs. F.: Can you heat up a cup for me too? You know I like the cup to be hot.
Me (mutterring): want me to drink it for you too?
Mrs. F.: Did you say something?
(pause, count to ten)
Me: No, dear.

That is what domestic bliss is all about people.

Have a good weekend.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
  Dunkin Donuts Notes
To Management: You know, maximum efficiency is not achieved by adding the tenth person behind the counter.
To those who want the Strawberry Decaf Coolata with non-fat whipped cream and the Everything Bagel without garlic half butter, half cream cheese: maybe you should spare us and make your breakfast at home.
To the dude standing right. at. my. hip. pocket: Maybe you should go ahead and ask me out. Just get it over with, PLEASE!
To the lady who has my coffee ready when I finally get to the counter: thanks.

That is all.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
  Time for a very special episode of...
Mr. Friendly's Neighborhood

But first some messages from our sponsors.

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Your boss is a bahstahd.
Your wife is a merciless haridan.
Your kid is an incorrigible brat.
Your dog is incontinent and has fleas.

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A break from your job, your boss, your wife, your kid, and your dog.
A break...from reality.

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That's Mel's Melatonin, when you absolutely, positively need to get some sleep and sober up!

Mel's Melatonin is a product of the Mel McGinty Company. Neither the company nor any of its employees endorse the recreational use of alcohol and/or dietary supplements.

Now back to our show...

Mr. Friendly is returning from the men's room. He stops to smell some food that is cooking in the office microwave. He turns to his Indian co-worker.
Mr. Friendly: Something smells good.
Clueless Indian #1: Yes.
Mr. Friendly: What is that?
Clueless Indian #1: Meat.
Mr. Friendly: What kind?
Clueless Indian #1: Goat.
Mr. Friendly: Really, where do you get that?
Clueless Indian #1: Oh, you know, Indian Bazaar, House of Curry, Ravi's Rendering Repast, you know Indian Food Shops.
Clueless Indian #2: I butcher goat myself. You want liver?

Join us next week on Mr. Friendly's Neighborhood when Mr. Friendly decides to become a vegetarian.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
  14 minutes and counting
Can I come up with something witty to say.


So let me wow you with some pictures.

My motto: Don't let a day go by without thinking of "Full Metal Jacker."
And laughing.

This is a picture of the typical IT meeting here at the client's. I am the dude on the left.

Here is my family. Notice the resemblance. The guy on the right is my uncle Steve.

Hey I gave Giarda a shot, how about some love for local girl Rachel Ray?

By the by, the client wants me to join the dark side, I mean become an employee.

Go fuggin figure.

I don't think they can afford me.

Ah, we will see, we will see.

Ah yes, time to go home. Hopefully something truly stupid will come my way.
Monday, May 15, 2006
  Popular Habib Searches
Straight from Habibabalad, India:

Click my most popular search

Number 3 with a bullet.

I trust everyone's weekend went well.

Bob deleted his blog. I delete his link. Sorry Bob, we'll miss you.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
  The First Annual Mr. Friendly Reader Contest
I will give a buck to the first contestant that can tell me which will arrive first?
a.) My first check for this here state contract
b.) My son (HINT: he is due July 6)

Entries may be sent to mrfriendlyalb at yahoo dot com.
  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
But can she cook a meatloaf?
Monday, May 08, 2006

Pure Genius. This, wait a minute, muttonhead would like to teach you something. The subject is not:
1.) How to become a huge teen idol.
2.) How to get your Playboy centerfold co-worker fired.
3.) How to get Alan Thicke pissed off.
4.) How to make really impressive rapture movies

As my habib friends would say: Nononononononononoononononoonono...No!

He wants to save your soul...for a $100.

Go to the site and find out who will not be saved. How to get saved. Tips on saving for salvation. Become rapture ready in 10 easy steps. Get the abridged freaky fundamentalist bible on CD. Old Testament as read by Kirk. New Testament by Stephen Baldwin.

I have a little situational ethics question for any Fundamentalist Christian Proselytizers. Suppose for a moment that your lapsed Catholic neighbor was out of work because his IT contracting gig lapsed. He has been out of work for a couple of months and has a wife and baby. You are a Project Manager at a Large Blue Computer Consulting outfit. Would you:
1.) Pray for him at your local Freaky Fundamentalist Christian Church.
2.) Talk about him with your pastor.
3.) Ask your wife why is your neighbor in that line of business.
4.) Offer to help find your neighbor some work.

Am I bitter that my neighbor chose 3. Nononononononononoononononoonono...No!

That my friends, is not what Jesus would do. No, that is what your clueless, self-righteous, "I have mine so fug you" types would do.

Let's end with a really cool, appropos quote from a great sage, Max Von Sydow (from Hannah and Her Sisters) on what Jesus would do:
You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Come back for more.
Friday, May 05, 2006
  Weekly Update Roundup in the News at a Glance
If you know your flopped straight is going to fall by the river, do you call your opponent's all in anyways?

I did.

I lost.

With a seven card straight.

Dam you MarkyMark and your detestable, black magic all in! I will see you burn in Hell!

So anyways, I play what, about 6 hands. Two, no one calls my massive bets. Three, I don't hit the flop and I am out. Number 6, I am in the big blind with 34o. Flop is 567. I begin to tremble. Then Monsieur Mark throws in $15. I have about $12 in front of me. I should be dying to put this in but in the back of my head I hear:
"Fool! Your pitiful sucker end straight will fall to the better straight when Mark hits his 4 outer!"

I did not listen to the voice. Bet and flip. MarkyMark has a 9. Turn is a 2. River is a 8. My 2-8 straight falls to his straight to the 9.

Poker sucks, la-la-la. Poker sucks, tra-la-la.

That's it kids, that was my night.

Any other exciting news?

Oh yeah, this one is for unionized state workers that think consultants make the big money.

Next time you are crying over your Daily Racing Form and Budweiser (the official lunch of the CSEA), bemoaning how God done you wrong by not making you a "high priced" IT consultant, consider:
1.) I do not have a hold on my position. Every year or so, I could be out on my arse. I must rebid.
2.) Suppose I win the contract, even with a renewal, I still need to wait for State Comptroller approval in order to get paid. What does that mean? It means until approved by all the statie bureaucrats, and there are many, I DO NOT GET PAID. Which, furthermore, means I have been working at my current site on the current contract since this winter WITHOUT GETTING PAID! How long do you think you could do that?
3.) No days off.
4.) No pension contributions.
5.) No health insurance.
6.) No falling asleep at my desk.

Just something to keep in mind the next time you ask me to sign your petition to do SOMETHING about state contractors.
Last 5 vehicles that almost ended my life
1.) CDTA (Capital District Transportation) Bus #31 at Clinton and Broadway, Albany.
2.) CDTA (Capital District Transportation) Bus #8 at State and Broadway, Albany.
3.) CDTA (Capital District Transportation) Bus #24 at Encon Building, Albany.
4.) Some Escalade in front of the Dunkin. Spinner rims, blaring hip hop, driver's got the bling. Yeah, there's no drug problem around here.
5.) Former Albany Police Chief John Nielsen almost ran me over in the cross walk in front of the Steuben Club in Albany. Fugger never even looked. Nice Ford Explorer. Wish I had a company car.

This post is not funny enough. Not at all.

It's all right. Something retarded is just around the corner.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
  I am Chillin and Shillin
The following post is brought to you by:
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When you positively, absolutely have to be asleep in the next 20 to 30 minutes.
It’s Mel’s Melatonin on the case.
Mel’s Melatonin – sold in grocery, drug, and vitamin stores everywhere.

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Ask for it by name. That’s Mel’s Melatonin.
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  Open letter to Alan Hevesi
Mr. Alan Hevesi
New York State Comptroller
Comptroller's Office
110 State Street
Albany, NY 12236

Dear Mr. Comptroller,
As a consultant to your fine state, I regret to inform you that your state is in arrears on its payment to the Mr. Friendly Corporation of Cohoes, NY. In the past two months, our firm has invoiced several hundred hours for the services of one consultant, Mr. Friendly.
Let this letter serve as a reminder of your contractual obligations and a plea to pay posthaste. Mr. Friendly promises to continue his part in economic growth via consumptive stimulation. He currently has his eye on some new underwear.


Mr. Friendly, Pres.
Mr. Friendly Inc.

What the heck are you looking at me for, I've needed new undies ever since I lost all the weight.
  Less than 12 hours later...
I get my first hit at this hear blog from some Canadian looking for Lindsay Lohan nude pictures.

Hello, Kingston, Ontario! Sorry to disappoint.

He stayed around for 0 seconds.

Monday, May 01, 2006
  Have I Introduced You to the New Project Manager?

The staties here are really into management by proxy. Since they are too passive to ask the consultants for work, they hire Gny Sgt. Hartman. First words out of his mouth:

Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit. Get the fuck off of my obstacle. Get the fuck down off of my obstacle. Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Mr. Friendly, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.
  What do you really want to know?
This post brought to you by some fugging virus the in laws gave me.

The. streak. is. over.

Unbelievable. Twelve years of eating anything I want shot to shat.

When it ended, it ended with a bang, a splash, and several flushes.

Enough. I am starting to feel woozy again.

10 Things You Might Want to Know
1.) THIS IS NOT A POKER BLOG. Well, wait a minute, IT IS A POKER BLOG in that I announce results, upcoming games, bad beats, and other stupid shat that goes on at the HPT. However, I don't spend enough time on the game to get much better than I am right now. If you are into hand analysis, tournament strategy, and how to hone your game like a champion, you are about to be disappointed.

2.) This is a blog about things I, and hopefully you, find funny. Topics do include: Witty donkey chatter, psychological meltdowns at the HPT, crazy panhandler stories, etc. Again, I warn you not to read any further if you are not in to this.

3.) I admit that I want traffic. Save linking to phony Lindsay Lohan nude pictures, I would do anything to get people to read my stuff.

4.) I was out of line with my response to BG's comments. Removed. However, I stand by original analysis. The End.

5.) If you are looking for the latest edition of Poker Blogging Peyton Place, I am afraid you will be sorely disappointed again. My desire to raise traffic does have bounds (see 3 above). I would much rather be on the sidelines, pointing fingers, mocking others.

6.) I will shill though. Not some pedestrian PokerStars/Party/Ultimate/Paradise ad mind you, but a link to something near and dear to my heart, to wit, fattening BMW's wallet. Visit BMW's site. There is another link on the right.

7.) I don't feel like puking yet.

8.) Number eight is about aspiring poker players/bloggers. Never, not once, has the outcome of a hand had any effect on my family life.

All right, once. Mrs. Friendly told me to shut the fuggin computer down and get upstairs or she was going to kick me in the arse.

That's only time though, I swear.

9.) Blogging, to me, is really not about exhibition of my id, super ego (cmon you psychology majors help me out). It is, and always will be, about funny stories, scenes, and comments.

10.) Ultimately, I am bent because I had to waste mondo blog space for these explanations.

Wait. I am over it.

As Mrs. Friendly says, and you should too,
"Forward to the Moronicon!"
Voted Best Blog 2006 by the city of Cohoes, NY. Mr. Friendly humbly accepts this honor as he attempts to stamp out retardation in our lifetime.

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Location: Upstate NY
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