Thursday, July 13, 2006
Vatican Answer Lady.
Before I rashly sign Lil Squirt to a multi-year deal with the Catholic Church via Baptism, I had a couple of questions and comments for the Holy See, see. Soz, I give them a call at 1-800-THEPOPE. The following is a transcript of the conversation:
Operator: Hello, Vatican Complaint Dept. How may I direct your call?
Mr. Friendly: Yeah, uh, hello Sister...
O: I am not a nun.
Me: Oh, uh sorry Miss. I just had a few questions for the boys.
O: Oh, my husband might be mad if he heard you call me a Miss.
Me: uh, ok.
O: My husband is Jesus.
Me: That's wonderful. I wish you many happy years.
O: Thank you. What was the nature of your questions?
Me: Right, can someone there tell me what in God's name do you call the pope hat?
O: I do not think the Holy Trinity would appreciate your using his name in vain.
Me: Uh, yeah sorry.
painful silence
Me: I really am sorry, but it has been bugging me for three days. Can you help me with my question?
O: It is called a mitre. and I don't think you are truly sorry.
Me: Yeah, so anyways, am I limited to a number of questions?
O: Well, I am off shift at 4 PM Greenwich Mean Time.
Me: Ok, I will hurry, what's the deal with Harry Potter and the Church? C'mon...it's like Harry Potter, he's never hurt anyone? He's a nerd! I've seen the movies and the only thing he threatens is creativity. How does he threaten Christianity?
O: Well, we don't know what threat Harry Potter poses but we do know that he corrupt the hearts of the young, preventing them from developing a properly ordered sense of good and evil, thus harming their relationship with God while that relationship is still in its infancy.* In fact, he may be the Anti-Christ.
*quote
Me: What about pedophiles?
O: Huh?
Me: You know, altar boy arse grabbers. Priests who can't keep their hands off the kinder. Aside: Just too many references to link
O: Well, the Church is clearly against it.
Me: Ok, so what are you doing about it?
O: All instances will be reported to Vatican.
Me: And?
O: And...
another painful pause
Me: Let's move along. How about the endless bishop's appeals?
O: In order to do the Church's good works, we need the donations from the congregation.
Me: How is the money used?
O: Various purposes. Charity for the poor, ministries, infrastructure...
Me: Legal settlements.
O: legal settlements, charity...
Me: keep the schools running..
O: keep the schools running..
Me: Gotcha!
O: Pardon.
Me: C'mon. You guys close more schools every year. You aren't interested in education.
O: It is a very expensive proposition and we really can't compete with the public schools. They have so many resources.
Me: great, How about sadism?
O: Hmm?
Me: You know, sadistic Nuns?
O: I don't know what you mean.
Me: I saw Sister Mary Hardass throw Joey Scoleosis down a hallway using his back brace as her handle.
O: Well, I am sure she is contrite.
Me: Didn't help Joe's back.
O: She's probably retired now.
Me: Hopefully dead and working off her sins.
O: What a terrible thing to say about someone who sacrificed for the Lord.
Me: I don't want to sound too self-righteous, but when did Jesus advocate beating the shat out of the infirm? What book is that in?
last silence
Me: So I guess, I shouldn't get my kid baptized.
O: Not if you have misgivings. I hope you can make peace with the Church.
Me: Yeah, me too. Thanks for your time.
O: I hope you don't burn in hell for your doubts.
Me: Well, if I do, I will save some seats for your gang. ¶ 2:30 PM
Operator: Hello, Vatican Complaint Dept. How may I direct your call?
Mr. Friendly: Yeah, uh, hello Sister...
O: I am not a nun.
Me: Oh, uh sorry Miss. I just had a few questions for the boys.
O: Oh, my husband might be mad if he heard you call me a Miss.
Me: uh, ok.
O: My husband is Jesus.
Me: That's wonderful. I wish you many happy years.
O: Thank you. What was the nature of your questions?
Me: Right, can someone there tell me what in God's name do you call the pope hat?
O: I do not think the Holy Trinity would appreciate your using his name in vain.
Me: Uh, yeah sorry.
painful silence
Me: I really am sorry, but it has been bugging me for three days. Can you help me with my question?
O: It is called a mitre. and I don't think you are truly sorry.
Me: Yeah, so anyways, am I limited to a number of questions?
O: Well, I am off shift at 4 PM Greenwich Mean Time.
Me: Ok, I will hurry, what's the deal with Harry Potter and the Church? C'mon...it's like Harry Potter, he's never hurt anyone? He's a nerd! I've seen the movies and the only thing he threatens is creativity. How does he threaten Christianity?
O: Well, we don't know what threat Harry Potter poses but we do know that he corrupt the hearts of the young, preventing them from developing a properly ordered sense of good and evil, thus harming their relationship with God while that relationship is still in its infancy.* In fact, he may be the Anti-Christ.
*quote
Me: What about pedophiles?
O: Huh?
Me: You know, altar boy arse grabbers. Priests who can't keep their hands off the kinder. Aside: Just too many references to link
O: Well, the Church is clearly against it.
Me: Ok, so what are you doing about it?
O: All instances will be reported to Vatican.
Me: And?
O: And...
another painful pause
Me: Let's move along. How about the endless bishop's appeals?
O: In order to do the Church's good works, we need the donations from the congregation.
Me: How is the money used?
O: Various purposes. Charity for the poor, ministries, infrastructure...
Me: Legal settlements.
O: legal settlements, charity...
Me: keep the schools running..
O: keep the schools running..
Me: Gotcha!
O: Pardon.
Me: C'mon. You guys close more schools every year. You aren't interested in education.
O: It is a very expensive proposition and we really can't compete with the public schools. They have so many resources.
Me: great, How about sadism?
O: Hmm?
Me: You know, sadistic Nuns?
O: I don't know what you mean.
Me: I saw Sister Mary Hardass throw Joey Scoleosis down a hallway using his back brace as her handle.
O: Well, I am sure she is contrite.
Me: Didn't help Joe's back.
O: She's probably retired now.
Me: Hopefully dead and working off her sins.
O: What a terrible thing to say about someone who sacrificed for the Lord.
Me: I don't want to sound too self-righteous, but when did Jesus advocate beating the shat out of the infirm? What book is that in?
last silence
Me: So I guess, I shouldn't get my kid baptized.
O: Not if you have misgivings. I hope you can make peace with the Church.
Me: Yeah, me too. Thanks for your time.
O: I hope you don't burn in hell for your doubts.
Me: Well, if I do, I will save some seats for your gang. ¶ 2:30 PM
