Friday, May 19, 2006
Domestic Tranquility
It's been raining in the Greater Capital Region, for what, 35 days now. So I took a break from finishing the ark so I could mow the lawn. You know, my anal retentive neighbors get bent at me when the grass is over six inches.
Ok I put down my cubit ruler and gas up the Sears Grassguzzler. Whoop, don't forget the weed whacker, I need to wake up the neighbor babies with that puppy.
Note to lawn mowing neophytes, start with the weed whacking. That way, mulcher or bagger can clean up that mess.
You know, payment for any and all life tips may be made to my PokerStars account.
Ok. So I get the trim done. I check out my pumpkins, tomatoes (tomahtoes), and Junior's sunflowers. Everything is how it should be.
Except ...
That fuggin dog of mine is in my new flower bed!
Well, I do have the weed whacker...
No, I didn't. But I did give the mutt a piece of my mind. Yes, quite loudly.
Did I mention my neighbors love me? Yeah, they think I am Fred Sanford.
Where was I? All right, back to mowing. Junior wants to come out. Well ok, but stay where Daddy can see you.
Rightyo, Daddyo!
Today's Four Year Old's on parade will begin in three, two, one...
Junior, if you want to be out here, then stay out here!
Junior! I am in the back yard!
Stay with me Junior, people are animals.
Junior, help me pick up your toys.
Here, bring this bag of grass out to the curb.
Junior, will you stop going in one door and out another!
Where'd she go?
"Hi Daddy."
"Hey honey, what do you have there?"
"My shopping cart. I am pretending it is my lawn mower."
Aaaawww. Ain't she cute.
"Ok Junior, just try to stay out of my way. I have to get done before the typhoon hits."
"Daddy, what's a typhoon?"
"Sorry honey, it's a really big storm."
"With thunder?"
"Sometimes."
"OK. I am going in now."
"All right. I'll see you later."
Mommy helped get the toy shopping cart back in the house. I move on to dog poop minefield, er, backyard.
The next time the Mrs. suggests we plant 30 arborvitae, she's going to have to dig a hole or two. Why the hell did I do this? Must. mow. around. every. one. son. uv. a. biatch!
By the time I am done, the tally is: third of an acre mowed, average height of grass: 6 inches, 2 barrels of grass clippings, weight of barrels: 150 pounds, time to complete: 90 minutes, amount of rain that fell 5 minutes after I am done: 5 inches.
Sonofaseacook. I'll have to do this again tomorrow.
************************
For you romantics I recorded the following:
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes, dear.
Mrs. F.: I really like your coffee.
Me: Thank you.
Mrs. F.: Really.
Me: I am happy to make you happy dear.
(pause)
Mrs. F: Honey!
Me: Yes dear!
Mrs. F.: Can you make me some coffee?
Me: Sure.
Mrs. F.: With lots of cream?
Me: Ok.
Mrs. F.: And some sugar.
Me: Uh-huh.
Mrs. F.: Not too much.
Me: Yes. How much coffee would you like?
Mrs. F.: Two 6 ounce cups.
Me: Ok.
(pause)
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes!
Mrs. F.: Measure out the water, please.
Me: I always do.
Mrs. F.: Can you heat up a cup for me too? You know I like the cup to be hot.
Me (mutterring): want me to drink it for you too?
(pause)
Mrs. F.: Did you say something?
(pause, count to ten)
Me: No, dear.
That is what domestic bliss is all about people.
Have a good weekend. ¶ 1:38 PM
Ok I put down my cubit ruler and gas up the Sears Grassguzzler. Whoop, don't forget the weed whacker, I need to wake up the neighbor babies with that puppy.
Note to lawn mowing neophytes, start with the weed whacking. That way, mulcher or bagger can clean up that mess.
You know, payment for any and all life tips may be made to my PokerStars account.
Ok. So I get the trim done. I check out my pumpkins, tomatoes (tomahtoes), and Junior's sunflowers. Everything is how it should be.
Except ...
That fuggin dog of mine is in my new flower bed!
Well, I do have the weed whacker...
No, I didn't. But I did give the mutt a piece of my mind. Yes, quite loudly.
Did I mention my neighbors love me? Yeah, they think I am Fred Sanford.
Where was I? All right, back to mowing. Junior wants to come out. Well ok, but stay where Daddy can see you.
Rightyo, Daddyo!
Today's Four Year Old's on parade will begin in three, two, one...
Junior, if you want to be out here, then stay out here!
Junior! I am in the back yard!
Stay with me Junior, people are animals.
Junior, help me pick up your toys.
Here, bring this bag of grass out to the curb.
Junior, will you stop going in one door and out another!
Where'd she go?
"Hi Daddy."
"Hey honey, what do you have there?"
"My shopping cart. I am pretending it is my lawn mower."
Aaaawww. Ain't she cute.
"Ok Junior, just try to stay out of my way. I have to get done before the typhoon hits."
"Daddy, what's a typhoon?"
"Sorry honey, it's a really big storm."
"With thunder?"
"Sometimes."
"OK. I am going in now."
"All right. I'll see you later."
Mommy helped get the toy shopping cart back in the house. I move on to dog poop minefield, er, backyard.
The next time the Mrs. suggests we plant 30 arborvitae, she's going to have to dig a hole or two. Why the hell did I do this? Must. mow. around. every. one. son. uv. a. biatch!
By the time I am done, the tally is: third of an acre mowed, average height of grass: 6 inches, 2 barrels of grass clippings, weight of barrels: 150 pounds, time to complete: 90 minutes, amount of rain that fell 5 minutes after I am done: 5 inches.
Sonofaseacook. I'll have to do this again tomorrow.
************************
For you romantics I recorded the following:
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes, dear.
Mrs. F.: I really like your coffee.
Me: Thank you.
Mrs. F.: Really.
Me: I am happy to make you happy dear.
(pause)
Mrs. F: Honey!
Me: Yes dear!
Mrs. F.: Can you make me some coffee?
Me: Sure.
Mrs. F.: With lots of cream?
Me: Ok.
Mrs. F.: And some sugar.
Me: Uh-huh.
Mrs. F.: Not too much.
Me: Yes. How much coffee would you like?
Mrs. F.: Two 6 ounce cups.
Me: Ok.
(pause)
Mrs. F.: Honey!
Me: Yes!
Mrs. F.: Measure out the water, please.
Me: I always do.
Mrs. F.: Can you heat up a cup for me too? You know I like the cup to be hot.
Me (mutterring): want me to drink it for you too?
(pause)
Mrs. F.: Did you say something?
(pause, count to ten)
Me: No, dear.
That is what domestic bliss is all about people.
Have a good weekend. ¶ 1:38 PM
