Turkey Q and A (courtesy of Butterball) How much turkey should I buy?
Well, first calculate the number of people in attendance at tomorrow's feast. Multiply by 1.5 (white meat) and .75 (dark meat) and add the totals. Multiply that result by -.025 (the pain in the arse vegetarian factor) and add the same amount of strained beets. Divide this result by 5 and add 5 for every whole number (the bone factor) and you should have your turkey size.

Or you could just measure the lowest shelf of your refrigerator and get the biggest Butterball turkey that will fit there.

Should I buy fresh or frozen?
All Butterball turkeys are freshly delivered to your supermarket shelves. We can't speak for other "poultry" distributors but the beat on the street is they get their turkeys via a nationwide search of road kill on the weeks preceding Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. They then "flash freeze" the "birds" to conceal the fact. Our word to you is better safe with Butterball than sorry with some other "bad - bird" producer.

What's the best way to thaw a turkey?
The folks at Butterball have spent considerable time and effort on this very question. Our scientists at the Butterball institute declared last year that the very best way to thaw a turkey is through warm water infusion. If you lack a warm water infuser at home, a hot bubble bath will do the trick.

What's the best way to roast a turkey?
Uuuuummm, with a roaster? Sorry, we don't understand your question.

What do I need to do to the turkey just before roasting?
Butterball enthusiasts claim that a four hour interrogation with a meat tenderizer may soften the old bird up. Additionally, you may want to remove the organs from that neck flap and turning on the oven helps.
Oh, and taking the bird out of the plastic bag helps.

Where does the meat thermometer go?
Must we answer this question.
How do I know the turkey is done?
IT IS A FUGGING BUTTERBALL LAME-O! The patented "thingy" pops up.
We bet you feel really stupid now.

How do I store leftover turkey?
What are you talking about? There SHOULD BE NO LEFTOVER BIRD!!! We just told you how to calculate the right amount of bird to buy! I mean, COME ON!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!  ¶ 7:54 AM 2 comments

  True Stories of Foot In Mouth Disease As contractors at a large state agency (substitute large bureacratic firm if you like), it behooves us to keep our mouths shut in times of uncertainty (or uncertain people). Appropos for the holidays, I have an illustrative story.

An acquaintance at the salt mine, let's call him Mr. Say the Wrong Thing, was waiting for the elevator on Thanksgiving Eve not many years ago. It was the end of the work day before the big holiday brouhaha and a statie joined him to wait. Mr. SWT starts up a conversation quite innocently:

Mr. SWT: Hey (statie's name redacted to protect my job), Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Statie: Hmmmmph.
Mr. SWT: Sorry Statie, did I offend? (let's pause here for a moment to reflect on this second breach of the contractor code: If you say something stupid or offensive, don't follow up by asking the offended for an explanation. It makes the offended feel more so and it makes you, as the offender, look stupid)
Statie: It's my second least favorite holiday, following of course, Columbus Day.
Mr. SWT: umm, sorry.

Did I mention that the statie is a full blooded Cherokee? Consider it mentioned.

Which brings us back to the real reason behind the story. As the holidays are upon us, let us reflect on their real meaning: Making others uncomfortable, no wait, sharing the joy of the season. With that in mind, I found this site and implore you to gather as many bands as possible to alert others that it is OK to celebrate Jesus' birthday joyfully with others.

So, don't be afraid, get a wristband for you, your family, and your Catholic (or separated brethren) friends. This way you let others know that you will not be cowed by political correctness and more importantly, you wish others the joy of the season irrespective of their religious convictions.

Oh, and if I don't see you, Merry Christmas!  ¶ 10:45 AM 4 comments

  So you thought Irish wakes were bad? Ever try an Irish christening?

See photo of Uncle Paddy and Uncle Sean below.

We, of the family, pray every day that the uncles will live long enough to see lil' Squirt's 5th birthday.

  ¶ 8:54 AM 0 comments

  Nothing Stops Child's Pursuit of Candy Happy Day After for all those parents with little kids out there! Happy All Saints Day to the Katlicks!

The rest of you, I don't know, Happy "Only 54 Days 'til Christmas!" Get. off. my. back!

Generally, I am out the door for work at 6:30 in the morn. Yesterday, lil Squirt got up with me,

Then Mommy got up.

Then Junior got up. She hardly ever does that. Perhaps it was the barky cough. Perhaps it was the tears. Either way, I am on the phone with the doctor, ahem Physician's Assistant, on call. We join the call in progress.

MRF: I think she just yakked up a lung! Can somebody see her in half an hour?
PA (Physician's Assistant): The office will be opened at 8:45.
MRF: (To Junior) Is that blood? Holy Cripes, I have to bring you to Urgent Care!
PA: Sir, as her parent, you must do what you think is best. However, we strongly urge you to bring Junior in to the office at 8:45
MRF: What do I have to say to get one of the three real doctors to look at my kid?
PA: Someone will be available at 8:45..

And on it goes...

Heaven forbid someone wake the doctors. Hell, I am a lowly IT drone, but I can haul my carcass to work for 7AM. I don't even have an avocation. I mean, I HATE MY JOB! But come hell or high water, there I am. At. my. desk. Everyday.

What Mr. and Mrs., sorry, Dr. and Mrs. "I want to save the world"...
Too tired?
Worked one day this week already?
Gotta get the kids to school?
Need to have breakfast with the trophy wife/loser husband?
Insurance payments too low?

What? What? What is the reason you friggin docs don't care?

So, anyways. Coughing subsides and Mrs. brings Junior into the docs later in the day. But, in her diligence she did managed to score some serious cough medicine for Junior. I think her conversation went like this:

Mrs Friendly : WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY KID SOME COUGH MEDICINE WITH CODEINE????!!!!
Dr Wuss: Well, um, uh, we don't like to prescribe those meds regularly...
MRF: Then next time she has a cold, she can stay with you and your family.
DW: Well, I have never prescribed that medicine for my kids.
MRF (sensing BS): Well, then you will have no trouble caring for Junior at your house! No, seriously, must I bring her to the emergency room to get what I want?!

The following is a quote:
DW: Well, we don't want her to have disjointed care. I will prescribe the meds.
Mrs. found the magic words. Threaten the docs in the pocket book. That's the ticket!

Junior comes home after school and doctor's office. However, her enthusiasm for her favorite holiday (except Christmas) IS NOT DAMPENED! She goes trick or treating not once, not twice, but, as John Kerry would say, thrice.

The witnesses:
1.) Babysitter (1 hour trip)
2.) The mother (1 hour trip)
3.) The father (2 hour trip)

Long story short. 4 hours of fun in the neighborhood. An hour of examining the booty and eating a few pieces. One teaspoon of cough medicine and it is lights out for Junior. God bless adrenaline, sugar crashes, and codeine.

Oh well, it's all good fun.

For the rest of us who be Katlick, make sure you get your arse into a church today. Holy Day and all! Say a couple of prayers to all saints with respect to your salvation.

Can't hurt none. They only want to help.

You see you can't pray for a saint. There isn't anything he or she can do with it. They already got their reward. So you pray to the saints to intercede on your behalf. Thus endeth the theology lesson for today. Trust me, having others in your court can not hurt.

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I have been meaning to post some pictures lately. But I can't right now because fuggin Blogger is giving me the finger. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.


Speaking of tomorrow, don't forget it is All Souls Day. Get in church for a minute or two and pray for someone you really wish gets his heavenly reward.

In the meantime and in the spirit of the holiday, May your Peppermint Patties be few and your Snickers be plentiful!  ¶ 1:59 PM 2 comments