Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Turkey Q and A (courtesy of Butterball)
How much turkey should I buy?
Well, first calculate the number of people in attendance at tomorrow's feast. Multiply by 1.5 (white meat) and .75 (dark meat) and add the totals. Multiply that result by -.025 (the pain in the arse vegetarian factor) and add the same amount of strained beets. Divide this result by 5 and add 5 for every whole number (the bone factor) and you should have your turkey size.
Or you could just measure the lowest shelf of your refrigerator and get the biggest Butterball turkey that will fit there.
Should I buy fresh or frozen?
All Butterball turkeys are freshly delivered to your supermarket shelves. We can't speak for other "poultry" distributors but the beat on the street is they get their turkeys via a nationwide search of road kill on the weeks preceding Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. They then "flash freeze" the "birds" to conceal the fact. Our word to you is better safe with Butterball than sorry with some other "bad - bird" producer.
What's the best way to thaw a turkey?
The folks at Butterball have spent considerable time and effort on this very question. Our scientists at the Butterball institute declared last year that the very best way to thaw a turkey is through warm water infusion. If you lack a warm water infuser at home, a hot bubble bath will do the trick.
What's the best way to roast a turkey?
Uuuuummm, with a roaster? Sorry, we don't understand your question.
What do I need to do to the turkey just before roasting?
Butterball enthusiasts claim that a four hour interrogation with a meat tenderizer may soften the old bird up. Additionally, you may want to remove the organs from that neck flap and turning on the oven helps.
Oh, and taking the bird out of the plastic bag helps.
Where does the meat thermometer go?
Must we answer this question.
How do I know the turkey is done?
IT IS A FUGGING BUTTERBALL LAME-O! The patented "thingy" pops up.
We bet you feel really stupid now.
How do I store leftover turkey?
What are you talking about? There SHOULD BE NO LEFTOVER BIRD!!! We just told you how to calculate the right amount of bird to buy! I mean, COME ON!!!
Happy Thanksgiving! ¶ 7:54 AM
Well, first calculate the number of people in attendance at tomorrow's feast. Multiply by 1.5 (white meat) and .75 (dark meat) and add the totals. Multiply that result by -.025 (the pain in the arse vegetarian factor) and add the same amount of strained beets. Divide this result by 5 and add 5 for every whole number (the bone factor) and you should have your turkey size.
Or you could just measure the lowest shelf of your refrigerator and get the biggest Butterball turkey that will fit there.
Should I buy fresh or frozen?
All Butterball turkeys are freshly delivered to your supermarket shelves. We can't speak for other "poultry" distributors but the beat on the street is they get their turkeys via a nationwide search of road kill on the weeks preceding Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. They then "flash freeze" the "birds" to conceal the fact. Our word to you is better safe with Butterball than sorry with some other "bad - bird" producer.
What's the best way to thaw a turkey?
The folks at Butterball have spent considerable time and effort on this very question. Our scientists at the Butterball institute declared last year that the very best way to thaw a turkey is through warm water infusion. If you lack a warm water infuser at home, a hot bubble bath will do the trick.
What's the best way to roast a turkey?
Uuuuummm, with a roaster? Sorry, we don't understand your question.
What do I need to do to the turkey just before roasting?
Butterball enthusiasts claim that a four hour interrogation with a meat tenderizer may soften the old bird up. Additionally, you may want to remove the organs from that neck flap and turning on the oven helps.
Oh, and taking the bird out of the plastic bag helps.
Where does the meat thermometer go?
Must we answer this question.
How do I know the turkey is done?
IT IS A FUGGING BUTTERBALL LAME-O! The patented "thingy" pops up.
We bet you feel really stupid now.
How do I store leftover turkey?
What are you talking about? There SHOULD BE NO LEFTOVER BIRD!!! We just told you how to calculate the right amount of bird to buy! I mean, COME ON!!!
Happy Thanksgiving! ¶ 7:54 AM
