Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Experiments in Social Retardation
Mr. Friendly found this page quite interesting.
You say there is a group of people that can't help but say something, well, retarded. That, if locked in a room, with members of a control group (read normal people) and other members of the maladjusted, these morons will invariably act in socially unacceptable fashion.
As usual, the social science geeks are only telling you half the story. Afraid to impact negatively on the self esteem of goofs everywhere, they neglected to report other findings.
1.) Subjects were observed when experimenters uttered "All dweebs say what." 10% of the control group said "What?" That figured jumped to 96% for those deemed to be social retards.
2.) Of married geeks studied, 99% regaled testers with tales of their spouse's recent urological, proctological, gynecological or plastic surgery. Median length of the monologues was 30 minutes.
3.) In specialized studies centering on IT consultants and clients, it was found that H1B consultants were 100 times more likely to tell their clients that they were fugged up and could only survive technologically through services provided by these same consultants. Interestingly, language specialists found 4,562 ways to say "You insult me with your inferior intellect!" in Bengalese. The results in Hindi were 5,435. As a footnote, it was discovered that "I don't know." is a phrase foreign in both languages.
4.) 75% single adult dorkish men who live with their parents compared many of their day to day personal interactions to relationships detailed in comic books and Star Wars movies. The other 25% were scientifically declared, ahem, "whipped."
5.) Single adult socially retarded women were 10 times more likely than the control group to tell strangers about their past, disastrous relationships. A significant number of these (P=.87, t = .00001) could be characterized with violent climaxes.
6.) Poker playing bloggers, special subgroup of the cohort, impressed testers with their massive egos and interminable tales of victories at the gaming tables. This group was further characterized by their contempt for all other humans "non-poker or poorly players. (sic donkeys)"
7.) Single, adolescent and young adult male retards were 50 times more likely to sport tatoos on their biceps, use hair gel, and call their peers by the "N" word.
8.) Single, adolescent and young adult female goofs were 50 times more likely to sport chinese symbol tatoos near or on their buttocks. A full 100 percent of these females thought the male dweeb was beneath her consideration.
Mr. Friendly presents these results in the hope that his readers will one, not find him(her)self in the studied group; two, run after identification of suspected social retard.
Carry on. ¶ 1:16 PM
You say there is a group of people that can't help but say something, well, retarded. That, if locked in a room, with members of a control group (read normal people) and other members of the maladjusted, these morons will invariably act in socially unacceptable fashion.
As usual, the social science geeks are only telling you half the story. Afraid to impact negatively on the self esteem of goofs everywhere, they neglected to report other findings.
1.) Subjects were observed when experimenters uttered "All dweebs say what." 10% of the control group said "What?" That figured jumped to 96% for those deemed to be social retards.
2.) Of married geeks studied, 99% regaled testers with tales of their spouse's recent urological, proctological, gynecological or plastic surgery. Median length of the monologues was 30 minutes.
3.) In specialized studies centering on IT consultants and clients, it was found that H1B consultants were 100 times more likely to tell their clients that they were fugged up and could only survive technologically through services provided by these same consultants. Interestingly, language specialists found 4,562 ways to say "You insult me with your inferior intellect!" in Bengalese. The results in Hindi were 5,435. As a footnote, it was discovered that "I don't know." is a phrase foreign in both languages.
4.) 75% single adult dorkish men who live with their parents compared many of their day to day personal interactions to relationships detailed in comic books and Star Wars movies. The other 25% were scientifically declared, ahem, "whipped."
5.) Single adult socially retarded women were 10 times more likely than the control group to tell strangers about their past, disastrous relationships. A significant number of these (P=.87, t = .00001) could be characterized with violent climaxes.
6.) Poker playing bloggers, special subgroup of the cohort, impressed testers with their massive egos and interminable tales of victories at the gaming tables. This group was further characterized by their contempt for all other humans "non-poker or poorly players. (sic donkeys)"
7.) Single, adolescent and young adult male retards were 50 times more likely to sport tatoos on their biceps, use hair gel, and call their peers by the "N" word.
8.) Single, adolescent and young adult female goofs were 50 times more likely to sport chinese symbol tatoos near or on their buttocks. A full 100 percent of these females thought the male dweeb was beneath her consideration.
Mr. Friendly presents these results in the hope that his readers will one, not find him(her)self in the studied group; two, run after identification of suspected social retard.
Carry on. ¶ 1:16 PM
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I'm a single female. I usually keep disasterous relationships of the past...well, in the past, unless blogging about it counts, then I'm screwed. I blog about all relationships.
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