Cell Phone Germ Farm

At Mr. Friendly Laboratories, a division of Mr. Friendly Industries, Inc., we spend countless hours and resources studying the effects of stories like this. As saddened as we are by the spread of bacteria, like Staphylococcus aureus, we are heartened that ailments like pimples, boils, pneumonia and meningitis could be prevented by upgrading to a newer, cooler communication device.
Here at the lab though, malady mitigation is great but, prevention through causal study is even better. So we put our best minds to work on how in the hell the germs got on the cell phones in the first case. Through careful study, mainly searches on the internet, our scientists discovered that Staphylococcus aureus exists in the air, food, food equipment, dust, and SEWAGE.
That last item got our brains working. How the hell does sewage (or, let's be honest human waste) get on a cell phone? For many minutes we sat in the lab in silence until our resident genius, Dr. Savage, came up with a plausible reason.



It occurred to Adam that a spike in interpersonal rage combined with the high levels of heat generated by the cell phone would generate the perfect breeding ground for Staphylococcus aureus. Dr. Savage's hypothesis theorized that a sufficiently obnoxious cell phone user could in fact enrage an otherwise normally social human being into performing an act with the cell phone and its user that would result in the diagram below. We leave it to the reader to ponder the various iterations.



Since prevention is the name of our game, The Mr. Friendly Laboratories propose that undisciplined cell phone users place a barrier,preferably latex, around their cell phone in order to mitigate the results of cell phone rage. Until such time that our firm brings the cell phone prophylactic to market, might we suggest cell phone jagasses go to their favorite drugstore, purchase some Trojans (germicidal please) and place one over their cell phone.

Thank you for your continued interest.

And have a nice weekend.  ¶ 7:46 PM