Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Would you rather be smart or lucky?
By request, tonight we have the Genius/Retard poker challenge. Our contestants are:
Dr. Peter Sklansky, noted mathematics theoretician and would be poker pro/blogger.
Vs.
Ricky Retardo, noted newspaper salesman at my office and Special Olympian.
The rules are
1.) Play No Limit Hold 'Em headsup with $100 buy in. Rebuys are not only welcome but encouraged.
2.) No railbirding.
The prizes are
1.) All money won is yours.
2.) Bobby Bracelet's bracelet.
I will narrate the action and the players speak for themselves.
Without further ado, let's shuffle up and deal!
First Hand (Dr. Peter Sklansky (DPS) is the button, Ricky Retardo (RR) is BB) Blinds are $1/$2
DPS: I raise $6.
RR: Uh, uh, uh, ummmmm. I warm.
Me: Ricky, call, raise, or fold.
RR: What?!!!
Me: Ricky, you can call the good Doctor's bet, raise it at least $6, or fold and lose.
RR: Oh.
Me: What's it going to be Ricky?
RR: What?
Me: Raise, call, or fold.
RR: I raise.
Me: How much Ricky?
RR: What?
Me: You raised the Doctor. How much would you like to bet?
RR: uh,All?
Me: Ricky is All In! Dr. Sklansky, would you like to call?
DPS: I call.
The Doctor flips over Ah Kh and Ricky flips 8h 5h.
DPS: You're kidding...
Me: Let's see the flop!
Flop comes Ac Ks 4h
Me: The flop gives the Doctor two pair.
DPS: My chances of losing at this point is roughly 3.74 percent.
RR: Times Union is 50 cents!
Me: Let's see the turn.
Turn comes up 6h.
DPS: He is still a 10 to 1 dog.
RR: I like dogs.
Me: Ricky still has a chance with his one outer.
River is 7h.
Me: The river gives the Doctor the nut flush. Ooohhh, but Ricky completes his straight flush.
Ricky wins the pot and doubles up.
RR: I feel wet.
DPS: REBUY!
Me: Ok. The Doctor suffered a miserable suckout on that hand and has rebought into the game.
The standings are Dr. Peter Sklansky $100 and Ricky Retardo $200. Deal the next hand please!
RR is on the button...
Five minutes later.
Me: Well Ricky, do you wish to complete?
RR: What?
Me: Raise, call, or fold.
RR: I want to call...
Me: Ricky calls!
RR: my dog. Here Sparky!
Me: Well Doc, what's it going to be.
DPS: I check.
Me: Let's see that flop!
Flop comes Kd Ks 2c.
Me: Good Doctor, the bet is to you.
DPS: I will check.
Me: Ok Ricky, you can check, bet, or fold.
RR: Check what? The dog...he's a boy.
Me: Do you want to check or bet. Or you can fold. What will it be?
RR: I will check the fold.
DPS: Are you kidding? What are you talking about?
Me: Easy Doc. Ricky, what do you mean?
RR: I always check the fold on the newspapers.
Me: No the bet, Ricky. Check, bet or fold?
RR: I guess I better check. He looks mad.
Me: Oh, the Doctor, he's ok. He just needs to remember that this is just a game.
Let's see the turn.
Turn comes up Ah.
RR: Match!
Me: Wait a minute Ricky! What's it going to be Doc?
DPS: I will check to Mr. Match.
Me: The bet is to you Ricky. Do you want to check, bet, or fold.
RR: Hm.
Me: It is time Ricky. What do you want to do?
RR: Pokme Champ says always bet Aces. I bet 40 newspapers.
DPS: Huuunnh!
Me: What's that in dollars, Ricky?
RR: Huh.
Me: What's your bet in dollars?
RR: 10?
DPS: I RAISE TO $40!
RR: uh,CAAAAALLLLLL!
Me: Ok. The pot is $100. Let's see the river
RR: Doctor scary.
River comes up Ad.
DPS: I bet $50 Corky! You want to play! I'LL PLAY!
Me: The Doctor is all in, Ricky. What do you want to do?
RR: I want to go to the potty.
Me: In a minute, Ricky. Do you want to call the bet?
RR: Is that quick?
Me: Yes.
DPS: Come on, Genius! Play me. I want action!
Me: Easy Pete. This is still a friendly game...Ricky, do you want to bet?
RR: Yeeeessss...
DPS: I got you now...heh, heh, heh.
Ricky calls the bet. The pot is $200. The Doctor flips his Kh Kc.
Me: Oooooh, good play Doc! Looks like you are going to double up!
Can you beat quad Kings, Ricky!
RR: Uuuhhh...I don't know. Mommy told me never to fight.
Me: Just flip your cards, Ricky.
Ricky flips As and Ac.
Me: Ricky's quad Aces eat up the Doctors quad Kings! Ricky has another big win. He is up to $300!
Ricky: Uh, uh, uh, I won. I WON! I AM BEST AT POKEME!
DPS: 2 percent...you got to be kidding me! This guy...this hand...I want a new deck...I want to check
my calculator...I need to talk to Phil Gordon...uh,uh,uh, REBUY!!!!
We take a five minute break for tempers to settle.
Me: Ok. Dead Money has rebought for another $100. Ricky has the big stack with $300. Shuffle up and deal!
RR (on the button): My pants smell!
DPS: C'mon Moron! You will not suckout on me this time!
RR: He's mean.
Me: The doctor isn't mean, Ricky. He is just unglued. Do you want to bet?
RR: I don't know. Is this good?
Me: Don't show me Ricky! You have to decide yourself. Will you bet?
DPS: I can't believe this. He's barely functional. He can't even wipe his arse.
Me: Well, nothing for nothing Doc, but he is wiping his arse with you right now.
RR: I will bet...$100.
Me: Ricky will put the Doctor all in again! Do you call Doc?
DPS: Jeebus, I don't know. This knucklehead can have anything...
RR: I forgot to look at my cards...
DPS: Exactly! You are the prototypical Donkey! You don't know what you are doing? This contest is ridiculous! I can't believe I got roped into this..., I can't believe I am scared of this tard!
Wait a minute, he is trying to push me off. I have a hand. He can't do it three times in a row.
NO FUGGIN' WAY!
...
I CALL!
Me: Ok, let's flip the cards.
The doc shows 10 9s and Ricky has...the Hammer.
Let's see the flop.
The flop is 8s Jh 5s
Me: Neither player has a made hand. The doc is a way ahead with and open ended straight draw and a flush draw. Let's see the turn!
DPS: The worm has turned Corky! I am still better than a 10 to 1 favorite.
RR: I like 2s.
DPS: You like 2! Yeah, you like number two! Your momma!
Me: Right. The turn please.
The turn is the Ace of diamonds.
Me: No help! Ricky has 4 outs! Let's see the river!
RR: 4 whats?!
Me: 4 outs Ricky. You need either of the two sevens or twos that are not spades.
RR: Two and seven are nine. Is that good?
DPS: Good for me, mofo! I HAVE 40 OUTS! I AM BACK BABY! I AM GOING TO TAKE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR
NICKELS.
Me: For the love of God, please deal.
The river is the 2 of clubs.
DPS: what, What, WHAT!!!! I don't believe I lost $300 to this illiterati! He can't even spell poker
and he beat me three times...IN A ROW...WHAT AM I THINKING?!!!
I need to drink.
I need to think.
I need to rest.
I suck.
I.
will.
never.
play.
this.
game.
again.
Icantdodgebulletsbaby.
Me: Great Job sucking out, Ricky! You beat the Dr. KnowNothing 3 times for a grand total of $300. Enjoy your winnings!
RR: Can I poop now?
Me: Whatever you want Ricky! Poop, wipe, repeat. Go buy $300 worth of scratch off tickets! I don't care! You won! And you taught us all a very valuable lesson!
RR: I go now.
Ricky runs off.
Me: Poop in peace my boy! Poop in peace. ¶ 11:31 AM
Dr. Peter Sklansky, noted mathematics theoretician and would be poker pro/blogger.
Vs.
Ricky Retardo, noted newspaper salesman at my office and Special Olympian.
The rules are
1.) Play No Limit Hold 'Em headsup with $100 buy in. Rebuys are not only welcome but encouraged.
2.) No railbirding.
The prizes are
1.) All money won is yours.
2.) Bobby Bracelet's bracelet.
I will narrate the action and the players speak for themselves.
Without further ado, let's shuffle up and deal!
First Hand (Dr. Peter Sklansky (DPS) is the button, Ricky Retardo (RR) is BB) Blinds are $1/$2
DPS: I raise $6.
RR: Uh, uh, uh, ummmmm. I warm.
Me: Ricky, call, raise, or fold.
RR: What?!!!
Me: Ricky, you can call the good Doctor's bet, raise it at least $6, or fold and lose.
RR: Oh.
Me: What's it going to be Ricky?
RR: What?
Me: Raise, call, or fold.
RR: I raise.
Me: How much Ricky?
RR: What?
Me: You raised the Doctor. How much would you like to bet?
RR: uh,All?
Me: Ricky is All In! Dr. Sklansky, would you like to call?
DPS: I call.
The Doctor flips over Ah Kh and Ricky flips 8h 5h.
DPS: You're kidding...
Me: Let's see the flop!
Flop comes Ac Ks 4h
Me: The flop gives the Doctor two pair.
DPS: My chances of losing at this point is roughly 3.74 percent.
RR: Times Union is 50 cents!
Me: Let's see the turn.
Turn comes up 6h.
DPS: He is still a 10 to 1 dog.
RR: I like dogs.
Me: Ricky still has a chance with his one outer.
River is 7h.
Me: The river gives the Doctor the nut flush. Ooohhh, but Ricky completes his straight flush.
Ricky wins the pot and doubles up.
RR: I feel wet.
DPS: REBUY!
Me: Ok. The Doctor suffered a miserable suckout on that hand and has rebought into the game.
The standings are Dr. Peter Sklansky $100 and Ricky Retardo $200. Deal the next hand please!
RR is on the button...
Five minutes later.
Me: Well Ricky, do you wish to complete?
RR: What?
Me: Raise, call, or fold.
RR: I want to call...
Me: Ricky calls!
RR: my dog. Here Sparky!
Me: Well Doc, what's it going to be.
DPS: I check.
Me: Let's see that flop!
Flop comes Kd Ks 2c.
Me: Good Doctor, the bet is to you.
DPS: I will check.
Me: Ok Ricky, you can check, bet, or fold.
RR: Check what? The dog...he's a boy.
Me: Do you want to check or bet. Or you can fold. What will it be?
RR: I will check the fold.
DPS: Are you kidding? What are you talking about?
Me: Easy Doc. Ricky, what do you mean?
RR: I always check the fold on the newspapers.
Me: No the bet, Ricky. Check, bet or fold?
RR: I guess I better check. He looks mad.
Me: Oh, the Doctor, he's ok. He just needs to remember that this is just a game.
Let's see the turn.
Turn comes up Ah.
RR: Match!
Me: Wait a minute Ricky! What's it going to be Doc?
DPS: I will check to Mr. Match.
Me: The bet is to you Ricky. Do you want to check, bet, or fold.
RR: Hm.
Me: It is time Ricky. What do you want to do?
RR: Pokme Champ says always bet Aces. I bet 40 newspapers.
DPS: Huuunnh!
Me: What's that in dollars, Ricky?
RR: Huh.
Me: What's your bet in dollars?
RR: 10?
DPS: I RAISE TO $40!
RR: uh,CAAAAALLLLLL!
Me: Ok. The pot is $100. Let's see the river
RR: Doctor scary.
River comes up Ad.
DPS: I bet $50 Corky! You want to play! I'LL PLAY!
Me: The Doctor is all in, Ricky. What do you want to do?
RR: I want to go to the potty.
Me: In a minute, Ricky. Do you want to call the bet?
RR: Is that quick?
Me: Yes.
DPS: Come on, Genius! Play me. I want action!
Me: Easy Pete. This is still a friendly game...Ricky, do you want to bet?
RR: Yeeeessss...
DPS: I got you now...heh, heh, heh.
Ricky calls the bet. The pot is $200. The Doctor flips his Kh Kc.
Me: Oooooh, good play Doc! Looks like you are going to double up!
Can you beat quad Kings, Ricky!
RR: Uuuhhh...I don't know. Mommy told me never to fight.
Me: Just flip your cards, Ricky.
Ricky flips As and Ac.
Me: Ricky's quad Aces eat up the Doctors quad Kings! Ricky has another big win. He is up to $300!
Ricky: Uh, uh, uh, I won. I WON! I AM BEST AT POKEME!
DPS: 2 percent...you got to be kidding me! This guy...this hand...I want a new deck...I want to check
my calculator...I need to talk to Phil Gordon...uh,uh,uh, REBUY!!!!
We take a five minute break for tempers to settle.
Me: Ok. Dead Money has rebought for another $100. Ricky has the big stack with $300. Shuffle up and deal!
RR (on the button): My pants smell!
DPS: C'mon Moron! You will not suckout on me this time!
RR: He's mean.
Me: The doctor isn't mean, Ricky. He is just unglued. Do you want to bet?
RR: I don't know. Is this good?
Me: Don't show me Ricky! You have to decide yourself. Will you bet?
DPS: I can't believe this. He's barely functional. He can't even wipe his arse.
Me: Well, nothing for nothing Doc, but he is wiping his arse with you right now.
RR: I will bet...$100.
Me: Ricky will put the Doctor all in again! Do you call Doc?
DPS: Jeebus, I don't know. This knucklehead can have anything...
RR: I forgot to look at my cards...
DPS: Exactly! You are the prototypical Donkey! You don't know what you are doing? This contest is ridiculous! I can't believe I got roped into this..., I can't believe I am scared of this tard!
Wait a minute, he is trying to push me off. I have a hand. He can't do it three times in a row.
NO FUGGIN' WAY!
...
I CALL!
Me: Ok, let's flip the cards.
The doc shows 10 9s and Ricky has...the Hammer.
Let's see the flop.
The flop is 8s Jh 5s
Me: Neither player has a made hand. The doc is a way ahead with and open ended straight draw and a flush draw. Let's see the turn!
DPS: The worm has turned Corky! I am still better than a 10 to 1 favorite.
RR: I like 2s.
DPS: You like 2! Yeah, you like number two! Your momma!
Me: Right. The turn please.
The turn is the Ace of diamonds.
Me: No help! Ricky has 4 outs! Let's see the river!
RR: 4 whats?!
Me: 4 outs Ricky. You need either of the two sevens or twos that are not spades.
RR: Two and seven are nine. Is that good?
DPS: Good for me, mofo! I HAVE 40 OUTS! I AM BACK BABY! I AM GOING TO TAKE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR
NICKELS.
Me: For the love of God, please deal.
The river is the 2 of clubs.
DPS: what, What, WHAT!!!! I don't believe I lost $300 to this illiterati! He can't even spell poker
and he beat me three times...IN A ROW...WHAT AM I THINKING?!!!
I need to drink.
I need to think.
I need to rest.
I suck.
I.
will.
never.
play.
this.
game.
again.
Icantdodgebulletsbaby.
Me: Great Job sucking out, Ricky! You beat the Dr. KnowNothing 3 times for a grand total of $300. Enjoy your winnings!
RR: Can I poop now?
Me: Whatever you want Ricky! Poop, wipe, repeat. Go buy $300 worth of scratch off tickets! I don't care! You won! And you taught us all a very valuable lesson!
RR: I go now.
Ricky runs off.
Me: Poop in peace my boy! Poop in peace. ¶ 11:31 AM
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