A guest post from a guess Here at Mr. Friendly Industries, we believe in giving you, the aspiring retard, a chance to prove your chops against a true MasterTard (that would be me). The following post got tossed over the transom last night. I feel it is my duty to introduce you to my guest poster. Your guess as to who it is may be posted in the comments below. So, without further ado, I give you, THE X FACTOR.

Since my troubles at work mounted, I have found some solace in my play. As temperatures in Manhattan pushed the 80’s this week, I found myself going to the only place one should go as spring springs upon us. Time for the two hour drive to AC. I heard the The Tropicana call my name

Top six things you see at the pink chip game:
1. Dirty Old Nasty Man: What he did for foul winds did not compensate for his ill behavior to the cocktail waitress. As I sat down at the $7.50/$15 LHE, he shot me a dirty look. Trouble brewed for this scowly, smelly man.
2. Old Lady with Sunglasses: Unfortunately for this sweetie, her game did not mix well here. Clearly not a regular, she called all her hands down to the river with the second best. She left after 15 minutes about $200 down.
3. College Boy: Clearly an online guru. He fancied himself a table captain and, unbeknownst to him, he was a closet case.
4. The Maniacal Smelly Man: Another of the fart boys, he played any two cards to the river in an effort to push you out. He would get his.
5. Mr. Dangerous: Bronx homeboy with girl toy. He and Mr. Maniacal would mix it up by the end of the day.
6. Ms. Smoky: Probably bolted to the seat, this player knows the dealers, the cocktail waitresses, the bosses, and their families. Smoke of choice: Padron 5000 au naturel.

I sat down with $300 in pink chips and proceeded to:
1. Raise all pairs
2. Call AK – A10, KQ, QJ, J10 suited.
3. Fold everything else to a raise.
4. Hit some flops and beat some donkeys.
Hands of note:
Dirty Old Nasty Man (DONM) on the first hand, bets out UTG. Old Lady with Sunglasses calls. College Boy (CB) goes begins his riff:
“I am not worried about you grandma, but Methusela has something. I call.”
A voice from beyond table rang in "You gonna lose all your chips bitch."
Mr. Maniacal cold calls. Mr. Dangerous confers with his better half and mucks. Ms Smoky folds, then, lights up. I look down at two beautiful Aces and raise. Apparently, DONM doesn’t like to be challenged, so he caps (Aaaaaahhhhh!). Old Lady calls and CB goes into the tank. After a minute, he mumbles “Well, I know that I have you (me) beat and grandma is merely donating. So it’s just you and me old timer.” He calls. GirlToy chimes in again. "Yeah, pile it up Mr. Sunglasses. You gonna get slapped." Mr. Maniacal calls. I call.
Flop comes AsQc2c.
Mr. Maniacal bets. Before I act, I hear from the bleachers, “Watch out now, honey! “ I pause briefly then push it up a notch. DONM folds. Old Lady calls. Action to CB. “I am surprised Grandpa. I had you on Queens. I may as well call. It’s cheap enough.” Mr. Maniacal calls.

Turn is a 2s.

Action to Mr. Maniacal. He bets out. I pop it up. Old Lady calls. College Boy stops the action to tell me “This is where we separate the donkeys from their cash.” He caps. From two seats away Ms. Smoky gives me a wink. Maniacal calls. I call. Get this, the old Lady calls. Away from the table I hear “You’re going to get reamed now, so get ready, honey!"

The river is another club. Mr. Maniacal checks.
Time to reel in some lemurs. I bet. Old Lady calls and then the GirlToy gets up from her chair.
"You gonna get it now Mr. Sunglasses. Be time to go back to PartyPoker! My girl is going to KICK YOUR ASS!"
Before playing College Boy actually says to GirlToy "Will you please shut the fuck up!" There was a pause while GirlToy sat down and Mr. Dangerous got up.
"Sir, I would deeply appreciate if you keep a civil tongue in your head. Please speak respectfully to my lady friend or verily, I will call you outside where I will proceed to beat you into a bloody, pulpy mess."
I just gave you the family version of what he said. In realtime, there were more f-bombs. CollegeBoy turned white raised and sat down. "It's ok, none of you are going to be here much longer."
By the time he finished whimpering this, Ms. Smoky caught my eye and loudly proclaimed, "I think our girl here has the goods, young man. You might want to save some money."
Maniacal finally realizes there is no pushing this girl out of HER pot. He folds. I cap. Old Lady calls. And there was a moment before College Boy called that I could see red hot hate in his eyes. He looked at me with the kind of contempt one usually reserves for panhandlers. He called and said, with some triumph, "Can you beat a boat?"
I beamed. "How high?"
He flipped. Queens full of twos.
I triumphed. "Why yes, yes I can beat that with my Aces. Aces full of twos."
GirlToy crowed.
"I knew it! I knew it! I knew my girl had you by the joint! You done lost all your tuition money now boy! Go on home!"
Mr. Dangerous fumed.
"Now would be a good time for you to leave as your head is still attached to your neck."
Only he dropped 2 mofos and 3 f-bombs.
Ms. Smoky gave me a thumbs up and said "I knew you had it in you honey."
The Old Man grumbled, farted, then told me I should find a good man.
Mr. Maniacal put on his tinfoil hat and moved to the $1/$3 table.
And Ms. Sunglasses, she was holding Kc4c.
Well, they were suited.
In all my years, nothing feels as good as riding home on the fumes of victory at the Trop pink game. My troubles will get resolved, one way another. This bird of prey will fly again.
Thank you mystery poster and happy april fools' day!  ¶ 3:16 PM