First cut is the deepest The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
--Cat Stevens(Steven Demetre Georgiou) (Yusaf Islam)

Boys, you might want to skip this post.

Mr. Friendly wouldn’t usually share this information but he has a purpose. Mostly, I need some evidence on hand when Reginald Martinez Friendly asks me “Why didn’t you do something?”

I am trying kid.
I am in your corner.

For months now, Mrs. Friendly and I have discussed the merits/problems with circumcision. I stand firmly in the Pro camp. The Mrs. wanted me to give her a reason.

I play my Aces(poker content!). It is reported that 90% or more of the boys in this area get circumcised. So I say:

“Look, in this town, you need to conform. If our little boy is the only one in that locker room with a helmet, his gym class buddies will NEVER, EVER let him forget about it. The helmet must go!”

Holy Jeebus, she agrees…with caveats.

Well, of course.

She thinks that the procedure will cause some trauma to the boy and she wishes to reduce it through the pharmacological magic. Ok, I am down with that.

We offer burnt sacrifices to the medical gods. Dr. Basketball is not the name of Mrs. Friendly’s OBGYN but she was christened with this particular moniker because in Mrs.’ words:
“She is so dumb she got through medical school on a basketball scholarship!”

When Mrs. Friendly gets around to it, the discussion takes a turn towards the absurd.
Mrs. Friendly: Can you do anything to ease the pain?
Dr. Basketball: Generally, we don’t do anything because babies don’t feel pain.
MF: Can I attend the procedure (total bluff but wait)
DB: No, parents are too traumatized.
MF: Umm, by what.
DB: Oh, the screaming.
MF: Uh, huh. Would you consider anesthetizing the baby, you know, to alleviate trauma?
DB: Not someone that young.
MF: Do you need to strap the baby down with no sedation?
DB: Yes. I have done this many times without any incident. Without the straps, there would be too much wiggling.

I bet.

Would you want someone with a God complex and forceps making a beeline for your johnson?

Let’s take a break for a second to visualize the scene. By Mrs. Friendly’s reports, I know Dr. Basketball was getting a bit upset at this point. Mrs. F. mentioned irritation in her voice, fidgety hands, and a posture that generally suggests YOU DARE QUESTION ME!

Well, yeah, that’s what we do best.

Anyhow, back to the tape
DB: I am not comfortable at all discussing this.
MF: what? Huh? Um, should we discuss this with a môhel?

Wait a fuggin second, Doc. You want me to sit here and have you stonewall questions, THEN I should trust you,
with a scalpel no less,
around my son’s penis!

Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Just because someone has M.D. at the end of her name does not make her smarter, more godlike, or a better person than you. It certainly doesn’t mean they have the inside track to your best interests.

Anyways, back to my main point…
Huh?
What?
I can’t hear you Doc. Pull your head out of your arse!
Forget it. Mrs. F. and I will talk to someone we can trust with our boy’s tallywhacker.

So we are getting a letter together for our pediatrician. I thought he told me once that he does the deed. Since he knows we are crazy and he knows we know where he lives, he is a little more compliant than most doctors.

Here is the letter I wrote for Mrs. Friendly to send to the pediatrician:

Dear Dr. BabyDoc,
Let’s begin with the good news: Junior is having a baby brother. We expect our son to arrive in late June/early July and we can’t wait for him to join our family.

Although Mr.Friendly convinced me that there is some, non-medical, necessity to the procedure, we do, however, have some concerns with respect to the circumcision procedure.

With respect to child restraints during the circumcision, we think sedation might make the situation a little less terrifying to our little boy. Additionally, we wondered if there was a means of anesthetizing the area prior to procedure.

We understand that the OBGYN usually does the procedure. However, those we have spoken with told us that neither of these options is applied to newborns. That leaves the question to you: Do you know of anyone (pediatrician, etc.) that might circumcise our son at some point with a sedative and/or a local anesthetic?

Thanks, in advance, for any help you give on this matter. See you soon with both kids.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Friendly

That’s not very threatening, is it?

This story will certainly be continued, I’m sure.

My respect to any men who read this entire entry.  ¶ 12:54 PM