Monday, January 23, 2006
Mr. Friendly Weight Loss Plan for Both My Readers
So while returning from the Dunkin' with my second coffee of the day, I get behind a fatass who:
1.) will not let me past her lumbering frame
2.) will not pick up the pace
I mentally curse her to 407th ring of hell. You know, the one reserved for selfish fat bastards that refuse to make life easier for those of us not morbidly obese. Then I think, Mr. Friendly, you are not being very charitable. What I should be saying is "HEY FAT F*CK! DO YOU WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT?"
I mean, I want you to.
However, perhaps butterball was completely engaged with how she was going to manage to get her 3 bags of groceries into the office without having a fatal grabber or maybe she was having trouble with the excess slobber, I don't know. What I do know is that I can help her lose weight. I can help her with five words:
STOP EATING YOU FAT BASTARD!
That's what my doctor told me.
I go to the doctor for a check up last September. The nurse has me hop on the scale. We weigh it out and I hear a gasp and:"Whoa, momma!" I look at the numbers and utter "Holy Shit!"
A later conversation with the doc:
Me: "So what do I have to do?"
Doc: "Eat sensibly."
Me: "Can I have steak?"
Doc: "Once in awhile."
Me: "Donuts?"
Doc: "Look, there is heart disease in your family..."
Alright, long story short, I get on weight watchers without the f*cking weekly whinatorium. C'mon, you are already bent about all that shit you are giving up, now you are going to listen to some other barrel of blubber moan about all his sacrifices. I would sooner take the gas pipe.
With the Mr. Friendly Weight Loss Plan you don't need it.
Mr. Friendly says:
1.) Eat less fats and sugars.
2.) Eat more vegetables and fruits.
3.) Eat less often.
4.) Eat less per serving.
5.) Generally, eat less DOUBLE WIDE!
Getting up off your ass helps too. If you find that you are getting most of your exercise on your way to fridge or the supermarket or walking outside for a smoke, you need pointers.
Pointers:
1.) The elevator is your enemy. Screw him. You just have to ride with the f*cktard parade anyways. You don't need it. Ride the stairs fluffernuff.
2.) Lunchtime is half hour long. You do not need to take the entire 30 minutes to eat. You can probably empty the trough in five minutes. Use the remaining 25 minutes to get off your ass.
3.) If someone at work offers you a cookie/candy/donut, DON'T TAKE TWO! You shouldn't take one, Tubby.
4.) Getting home from work does not mean the food binge begins. Go play with your kids, take another walk, eat a small meal, steer clear of the TV and the closet eating (I know you are in there, ChipsAhoy!)
5.) When dinner is over, the f*cking kitchen is CLOSED. Do I need to repeat this?! THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED!
6.) Develop a sense of guilt for crying out loud! I mean you are messing with your health and you probably have some little squirts (or a spouse or friends or family, etc.) dependent on you. Give the cupcakes a rest for their sake.
7.) Develop a sense of pride. That way when the weight comes tumbling off, you can pound your chest and generally act like you are ONE BAD MOFO! Which you are, of course.
One last bit of advice, Chunks: Don't go to Weight Watcher meetings. They suck. They are a money drain. They add nothing to the glorious weight loss experience. Case in point, one of Mr. Friendly's spiesleft a recent meeting transcript. Here is an excerpt:
Round Mound of Rebound (RMR): I really miss my friend Chocolate Cake. And his buddy fried chicken too. Oh, and don't forget potato chips and her roomate soda. They were my best friends. I could always count on them. They were there for me when no one else was...And now I am turning my back onthem.
Oprah Wanna Be (OWB): Do you feel like you have betrayed them?
RMR: Oh yes and much more! I threw them out of my house! OhMyGod, I WANT THEM BACK!
OWB: I can see that. But don't you feel better about yourself now that you have lost all the weight!
RMR: No because now I am doomed to think about food all the time. I can't get a date because this is all I talk about! I mean, aren't you a little tired of hearing about the midnight ice cream binges!
OWB: Now that you mention it...
RMR: Nobody loves me anymore! Waaaaaah!
(End of excerpt)
Do you really need to listen to that? Mr. Friendly says NO WAY!
You need to listen to Mr. Friendly...
You need to eat less ...
You need to put the bag of chips down...
And take two giant steps backward...
Turn around and don't come back.
I command it.
I promise you, in two months or so, you will be a leaner, meaner, office drudge.
And I will not be cursing you to an eternity of pain because you made my coffee cold.
Wont that be nice. ¶ 9:13 AM
1.) will not let me past her lumbering frame
2.) will not pick up the pace
I mentally curse her to 407th ring of hell. You know, the one reserved for selfish fat bastards that refuse to make life easier for those of us not morbidly obese. Then I think, Mr. Friendly, you are not being very charitable. What I should be saying is "HEY FAT F*CK! DO YOU WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT?"
I mean, I want you to.
However, perhaps butterball was completely engaged with how she was going to manage to get her 3 bags of groceries into the office without having a fatal grabber or maybe she was having trouble with the excess slobber, I don't know. What I do know is that I can help her lose weight. I can help her with five words:
STOP EATING YOU FAT BASTARD!
That's what my doctor told me.
I go to the doctor for a check up last September. The nurse has me hop on the scale. We weigh it out and I hear a gasp and:"Whoa, momma!" I look at the numbers and utter "Holy Shit!"
A later conversation with the doc:
Me: "So what do I have to do?"
Doc: "Eat sensibly."
Me: "Can I have steak?"
Doc: "Once in awhile."
Me: "Donuts?"
Doc: "Look, there is heart disease in your family..."
Alright, long story short, I get on weight watchers without the f*cking weekly whinatorium. C'mon, you are already bent about all that shit you are giving up, now you are going to listen to some other barrel of blubber moan about all his sacrifices. I would sooner take the gas pipe.
With the Mr. Friendly Weight Loss Plan you don't need it.
Mr. Friendly says:
1.) Eat less fats and sugars.
2.) Eat more vegetables and fruits.
3.) Eat less often.
4.) Eat less per serving.
5.) Generally, eat less DOUBLE WIDE!
Getting up off your ass helps too. If you find that you are getting most of your exercise on your way to fridge or the supermarket or walking outside for a smoke, you need pointers.
Pointers:
1.) The elevator is your enemy. Screw him. You just have to ride with the f*cktard parade anyways. You don't need it. Ride the stairs fluffernuff.
2.) Lunchtime is half hour long. You do not need to take the entire 30 minutes to eat. You can probably empty the trough in five minutes. Use the remaining 25 minutes to get off your ass.
3.) If someone at work offers you a cookie/candy/donut, DON'T TAKE TWO! You shouldn't take one, Tubby.
4.) Getting home from work does not mean the food binge begins. Go play with your kids, take another walk, eat a small meal, steer clear of the TV and the closet eating (I know you are in there, ChipsAhoy!)
5.) When dinner is over, the f*cking kitchen is CLOSED. Do I need to repeat this?! THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED!
6.) Develop a sense of guilt for crying out loud! I mean you are messing with your health and you probably have some little squirts (or a spouse or friends or family, etc.) dependent on you. Give the cupcakes a rest for their sake.
7.) Develop a sense of pride. That way when the weight comes tumbling off, you can pound your chest and generally act like you are ONE BAD MOFO! Which you are, of course.
One last bit of advice, Chunks: Don't go to Weight Watcher meetings. They suck. They are a money drain. They add nothing to the glorious weight loss experience. Case in point, one of Mr. Friendly's spiesleft a recent meeting transcript. Here is an excerpt:
Round Mound of Rebound (RMR): I really miss my friend Chocolate Cake. And his buddy fried chicken too. Oh, and don't forget potato chips and her roomate soda. They were my best friends. I could always count on them. They were there for me when no one else was...And now I am turning my back onthem.
Oprah Wanna Be (OWB): Do you feel like you have betrayed them?
RMR: Oh yes and much more! I threw them out of my house! OhMyGod, I WANT THEM BACK!
OWB: I can see that. But don't you feel better about yourself now that you have lost all the weight!
RMR: No because now I am doomed to think about food all the time. I can't get a date because this is all I talk about! I mean, aren't you a little tired of hearing about the midnight ice cream binges!
OWB: Now that you mention it...
RMR: Nobody loves me anymore! Waaaaaah!
(End of excerpt)
Do you really need to listen to that? Mr. Friendly says NO WAY!
You need to listen to Mr. Friendly...
You need to eat less ...
You need to put the bag of chips down...
And take two giant steps backward...
Turn around and don't come back.
I command it.
I promise you, in two months or so, you will be a leaner, meaner, office drudge.
And I will not be cursing you to an eternity of pain because you made my coffee cold.
Wont that be nice. ¶ 9:13 AM
